Saturday, February 28, 2009

#104


"I'm hard-headed. My dick look like R2D2."
- Ras Kass, Goldyn Chyld

Like it has buttons on it and makes noises?

Filed under: No chicks would like this/worst analogy ever

#103


"How do it feel to hold my dick in public?"
- Prodigy, Keep It Thorough

Well I know you're not asking me and I've never done that but I can still say that it would feel extremely uncomfortable.

Filed under: Questions that shouldn't be asked because you shouldn't do the thing you're asking about anyway

#102

"If we have a President's Day and a Veteran's Day, let's have a Titty Holiday."
- Will.I.Am, Keep Bouncin' (Street) by Too $hort
Filed under: Not going to get elected president.

#101


"Simon says, GET THE FUCK UP!"
- Pharoah Monch, Simon Says

Sounds like someone wasn't the best sport during playtime in kindergarten.

Filed under: Brat

#100

"Linen shorts so my balls don't get hot."
- Jay-Z, Hustlin' (Remix) by Rick Ross

Hey Jay-Z, what else can you tell us that you can completely keep to yourself and everybody would be better off for it? I just realized why I don't think I've ever heard anyone else rap about shorts (because it sounds gay).

D'Elia:
Yeah and also if you wear linen SHORTS you have to be George Hamilton.

#99

"Forty-five, fifty-five, sixty-five, seventy-five, gouda. Eighty-five, ninety-five, wait, what am I doing? Chalupa."
E-40, Gouda

This is not rapping. You can't just count and then say food. Another thing, you shouldn't ask yourself "What am I doing?" while the tape is still running.

Friday, February 27, 2009

#98


"I don't have no trouble with you fuckin' me. But I have a little problem with you NOT fuckin' me."
- Ol' Dirty Bastard, Got Your Money

This is basically the most passive-aggressive way ever of asking, "Do you want to have sex with me?

Filed under: Too many words

#97

"Ooh ahh, ooh aaaah! Do a little shit. Brrrap-ap-ap-ap-bayyyy. Have I lost it? You still wit me?"
- Keak Da Sneak, Super Hyphy

No.
You lost me at "ooh ahh". Oh, and about your first question: yes.

#96


"Bitch niggas STILL wanna check my urine."
- Ice Cube, Child Support

Okay, well if by "bitch niggas" you mean doctors, I guess I understand.

But if you mean like, anybody else... then I do not know where you are hanging out and who you are meeting but you should probably not associate with these people anymore. And the fact that they are STILL doing this implies that it's been happening for a while now. So hurry.

Filed under: Meet new people

#95

"I spent a mil on my grill, for real."
- Birdman, Over Here Hustlin'

You're an idiot if this is true.
(P.S. It's not.)

Filed Under: Setting a bad example in a recession.

#94

"My chain hit your girl in the face, she 'gon bruise. So when I'm on top, I take off my jewels."
- Papoose, Fitted Hat Low

I kind of can't figure out if this is supposed to be a nice thing to do for someone, or a shitty thing to even think of.

Imagine having the thought, "Hey I think I'll take my chain off before I fuck your girl so it doesn't smash against her face while I'm inside her."

Okay, I figured it out. It's a shitty thing to think of. Both Papoose and this guy need to start tucking their chains in.

Filed under: Things you shouldn't have to consider/trying to be nice but failing.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

#93

"You know my tongue's got batteries in it."
- Ludacris, Rockin' That Shit by The-Dream

I did NOT know this.

(...And, no it doesn't.)

#92

"Eighty on the freeway. Kissin' on some titties. Full of all kinds of drugs. Hands on the steering wheel. Gettin' head while I'm drivin'. Bitch, you tryin' to get me killed?"
- 8 Ball, Time 2 Hit The Club

Why don't you close your eyes too just to make things more difficult? You know what 8 Ball? If you get killed, it's kind of your fault. Not hers.

And I thought Biggie was doing too many activities.

Filed under: The absolute most dangerous person on the road of all time.

#91

"I'm sick: you couldn't measure my dick with six rulers."
- Big Pun, Still Not A Player

You're right, you couldn't. Because you'd be holding five rulers more than you would need to be holding.
Filed under: Wouldn't even be a good thing

#90

http://highbridnation.com/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/rza420.jpg
"And the survey said, YOU'RE DEAD!"
- Rza, Wu-Tang Clan Ain't Nuthing ta F' Wit by Wu-Tang Clan

Worst game show of all time. Contestants would be extremely hard to find.

Also, who needs a survey to tell if someone is dead? "So we've asked thirty people and the majority of them say you're not breathing anymore."

#89

"It ain't my fault your girl be ho hoppin'. And matter fact, the last time you gave her loot to go shoppin', honey picked me up some dope shirts. It's because of me why she's walkin' crooked and her throat hurts."
- Big L, Who You Slidin' Wit'

WHAT A DICK.

I mean, this is the rudest most disrespectful thing ever. Even more than LL in #5.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

#88

"We gettin' money like na na nana na na."
- Jim Jones, Na Na Nana Na Na

This is just... so... damn... childish. And children don't make very much money.

Hey also... with the money, buy a shirt. You're in public, for Christ's sake.

Filed under: Doing shitty things with money

#87

http://passionweiss.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/9221214_l.jpg
"Man, you got issues, I feel sorry for you. Yo, shitting on me is so 2002."
- Slug from "Atmosphere", Watch Out

I mean could you imagine this?

Atmosphere's friend: "Hey Atmosphere, me and some of the guys were thinking of getting together tonight and going to catch a movie. Then we thought we'd head back to your place and, ya know... shit on ya. Like old times."

Atmosphere: "Come on. It's 2009 already!"

Also, let it be noted that both of the people that I "feel sorry for" and consider to "have issues" are the same person...

And that person is Slug from Atmosphere.

#86

"They call me Candle Guy, simply 'cause I am on fire."
- T.I., My Love by Justin Timberlake

Let's get something straight right now... "Candle Guy" is not a good nickname unless you actually make candles.

#85

"I'm about to fuck the building up, gimme uno momento."
- Busta Rhymes, Rotate by Capone and Noreaga

Hey Busta, just so you know, you're not disguising your plans with the Spanish at the end.
Filed under: Worst terrorist ever.

#84

http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/_/168328.jpg
"Bitch, hold still so I can put it in steady."
- OC, Dangerous

Umm... this is rape.

Filed under: Rape

#83

http://mrsgrapevine.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/08/ll-cool-j.jpg
"Been ballin' and you KNOW I'm shittin'!"
- LL Cool J, Four Seasons by Method Man and Redman

That's not ballin' and I didn't know that... but okay.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

#82

"Yeah livin' the raw deal, three course meals. Spaghetti, fettuccine, and veal."
- Diddy, It's All About the Benjamins

If you get spaghetti as an appetizer before fettuccine, you're an asshole.

Filed under: So many carbs.

#81

"Magazines call me a 'rock star'. Girls call me 'cock star'."
- Kanye West, The Bounce by Jay-Z

Rock star = A good thing.
Cock Star = The gayest thing.

Yeah, because basically that means that you're the star of cock.

#80

"Look, I got beef with like a hundred children."
- Jay-Z, Super Ugly

Filed under: Worst Santa Claus ever.

#79

"My Maserati and Ferrari like to chill with my Mercedez."
- Rich Boy, Drop

These are cars. They don't like to chill with your Mercedez because they don't like anything.

Because they're cars.

#78

http://www.thefader.com/ys_assets/0003/9941/coldchain2_main.jpg
"Why did the dickhead cross the road? Man, I hit him with a 12-gauge and I didn't give him a chance to reload."
- Roscoe P. Coldchain, Delinquent

Congratulations to Roscoe P. Coldchain for taking the worst joke in the world and making it even worse.

Oh, and you shouldn't shoot people just because they are "dickheads".

Monday, February 23, 2009

#77

http://img.timeinc.net/time/photoessays/2007/50_cent/50cent_01.jpg
"Nobody likes me. But that's okay. 'Cause I don't like y'all anyway. And I don't like y'all anyway."
- 50 Cent, Life's On The Line

1) This is the most defensive thing you can say and I'm pretty sure you can scientifically prove it.
2) The last sentence doesn't add anything new so there's no reason to say "and" in front of it.
3) Also it's kind of what Kermit sings about most of the time too, which makes it not gangster at all.

#76

"When I bust, titties come out."
- Redman, Y.O.U.

This is the kind of thing people say that don't see titties all that often.

#75

"I'm so dope I just jump in the toilet and flush."
- Boots from The Coup, Bullets and Love

This is the least dope thing you can do. Only your ankles would get wet and then there would be toilet water everywhere. And what do you mean you just do this? Sorry, this doesn't work for me.

Filed under: not dope

#74

"Never let me slip, 'cause if I slip then I'm slippin'."
- Dr. Dre, Nuthin' But a 'G' Thang

If someone came to me and said, "Don't let me get drunk tonight, because if I get drunk, then I'm going to be drunk..." My response would be, "Are you drunk?"

Filed under: redundant, probably slippin'

#73

"I'm a shark... y'all just koi fish. What else? Octopus. What else? Oysters."
Juelz Santana - You Ain't Got Nuthin' by Lil Wayne

I don't get this. The beginning makes sense. "I'm a shark, you're just a little fish." I get that. Then he just starts saying other things that live in the ocean.

Filed under: Too much marine life

#72

http://assorteddonuts.files.wordpress.com/2008/11/prodigymobbdeepvibelfjnssource3.jpg
"I'll throw a TV at you."
Prodigy, Keep It Thorough

If this is supposed to be an attack on someone it's basically the worst attack ever because while Prodigy is unplugging and awkwardly picking up a very heavy television set, I'm telegraphing his move, sliding to the side while I punch him in his face.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

#71

http://z.about.com/d/rap/1/0/i/K/-/-/devin.jpg
"Girl, this dick is so clean it'll probably go good with your broccoli and cheese."
Devin The Dude, Broccoli And Cheese

Okay. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. It won't. That would ruin both the sexual experience and your appetite. It's really a bad idea. My favorite part about this quote though is the part where he says "probably," like he's not 100 percent sure about the whole thing. Also I feel that I have to confirm this; YES these are real lyrics to a real song by someone who got paid for it.

Filed under: Don't eat with this man.

#70

http://i297.photobucket.com/albums/mm239/vs2productionz/SirErickSermon-1.jpg
"In all five boroughs, I've pissed on trees. I'm a dog."
- Erick Sermon, Relentless

That doesn't make you a dog. It just makes you a weird asshole.

#69

http://us.ent2.yimg.com/musicfinder.yahoo.com/images/yahoo/murder_inc/jarule/1002_ja_rule.jpg
"I'm the bastard that shits on bitches. Explain this."
Ja Rule, Four Seasons by Method Man and Redman

I'll take a stab at an explanation. You shit on bitches because you are a horrible person and you had a terrible childhood.

#68

"If I ain't on some shit, I'm gettin' on it."
Jadakiss, Kiss Of Death

This isn't something and doesn't really mean anything. I get the sense that Jadakiss is the kind of guy that you just nod your head at and say "Oh, that's pretty cool." It's also kind of weird that he doesn't know if he's on shit or gettin' on it... Whatever "shit" may be.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

#67

http://images.askmen.com/galleries/model/ll-cool-j/pictures/ll-cool-j-picture-1.jpg
"When I do my thing my balls is hairy like the Lion King."
- LL Cool J, Hollis to Hollywood

"Your thing" meaning... having disgusting balls? I get the sense that LL is trying to brag here, but this is totally not impressive in the least. In fact it's kind of just weird. No chicks would like this at all.

#66

"So when you see your mom with a thermometer shoved in her ass, then it probably is obvious I got it on with her."
- Eminem, Role Model

Filed under: That's not even cool.

#65

"Watch out for the medallion my diamonds are reckless. It feels like a MIDGET is hanging from my necklace!"
- Ludacris, Stand Up

Sooooo bad for your back. Like so bad. The only thing it feels like to me is like an idiot is shopping for some jewelry.

#64


"First things first, watch what you say out ya mouth."
- Freeway, 1-900-HUSTLER by Jay-Z

First thing's first, you don't need to have the "out ya mouth" part in that sentence. It's redundant.

Filed under: Too many words

Friday, February 20, 2009

#63

"But you ain't got the skills to eat a nigga's ass like me"
- Canibus, Second Round K.O.

Yeah you're right, I don't, and you know what? I guess I'm okay with that.

Filed under: straight-up homosexual, too public, are you kidding me?

#62

"Fuck what you goin' through and fuck what you stand for."
- Snoop Dogg, Down For My Niggas by C-Murder
This pretty much covers all the bases on heartless and inconsiderate.

Filed under: plain rude

#61

"Never get caught slippin'. That's why I eat, sleep, shit with my gat. Bag up, piss, fuck a bitch with my gat."
- Memphis Bleek, Holla

Question: How is Memphis Bleek most likely going to die?
Answer: He will probably accidentally shoot himself.

Note: His girl will probably get killed by getting shot as well.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

#60

"The only thing stronger than me is time."
Royce 5'9", Who am I

A bear, an elephant, an ape, a zebra, a giraffe, wood, steel, the police, the constitution, an army, the navy, the airforce, a powerful robot, a buzz saw, a wrestler, other stronger people, preconceived notions, religion and the bible, the church, money, sex, iron bars, cancer, AIDS and a cheetah are all also things that are stronger than Royce 5'9".

Filed under: completely wrong

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

#59

http://www.hiphopgalaxy.com/IMG/jpg/wc-rapper.jpg
"Lettin' my testicles swing right left, left right, then back to the left."
- WC, The One

Doesn't that just happen when you walk? That's not that gangster, really. And what do you mean you're "letting" them swing? Like you're "allowing" your testicles to do what they... do?

Oh yeah, also... who fucking cares?

Filed under: So childish. Too public. So basic. So crass.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

#58


"I can't believe I fucked up and made a half-ass album. My excuse is, my pops just died. And I ain't wanna make music. My pops just died. My fans stuck with me. My shit still went gold."
- Noreaga, Invincible

You can't explain why your last album didn't do as well as you thought it would on a song in your current album. I mean, starting a line with, "My excuse is..." in a rap song or any song for that matter, is absolutely ridiculous.

Filed under: Too public.

Monday, February 16, 2009

#57

"Watch a movie in the jacuzzi, smoke L's while you do me."
- Notorious B.I.G., Big Poppa

Way too many things planned at once. The movie just won't get watched if you're trying to smoke weed and get laid in a jacuzzi at the same time. Something is going to get messed up, seriously.

#56

"Eight A.M., open my eyes. Yeah, kick my bitch. Tell her open the blinds."
- Lil Wayne, I'm a DBoy

This relationship isn't going to work out.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

#55

Now when I'm swimmin' through the joint, I put the funk on hold, cause if I don't you'll see the bubbles come up."
- Dove from De La Soul, Oooh

You definitely shouldn't rap about farting.
Filed under: Too public

#54

"Nobody likes me, everybody hates me."
- Mobb Deep, Nobody Likes Me

You shouldn't rap about this.
Filed under: Redundant

#53

"Finger near a nigga asshole like 'WHOA!'."
- Black Rob, Whoa

WHOA, this sounds gay!

Also filed under: Too public.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

#52

"You can call me 'Mr. Director's Chair'."
- Lil Wayne, Playing With Fire

All right, let's try that out. Hey, Mr. Director's Chair, what are you up to tonight?

You know what? I'm going to stick with my initial thought on that: No matter what, you should never have the word "chair" in your name (nickname or regular.)

#51

"Bang your head until you start to break your neck."
- Busta Rhymes, Break Ya Neck

No thanks. Even if I'm dancing, this just seems like a bad idea. I also don't know how to get it to the point until I start to break my neck. The whole concept just seems too risky.

Filed under: Horrendous instructions

#50


"When I know you wrong I say 'you right'. And when I wanna say 'no' I say 'I might'."
Fabolous, Uh Ooh (remix) by Lumidee

Yeah, sooooo... that's just confusing and people will probably eventually stop hanging out with you if you continue to do that.

It's just kind of a bad idea all around. For instance, if Fabolous didn't want a hamburger and you said, "Fabolous, would you like a hamburger?" He would say, "I might." Then you'd ask him later like, "Hey, Fabolous. How 'bout that burger now?" And then again he'd just say, "Yeah, I might want one." This would just continue until one of two things happened. Either a) you'd get frustrated with Fabolous and think he's a complete asshole or, b) he would finally actually want the burger because enough time passed. Instead of saying "I might" when you mean "no", you should just say "no". End of story.

Filed under: Way too misleading.

Friday, February 13, 2009

#49

http://youmeandeveryone.files.wordpress.com/2008/08/young-jeezy.jpg
"Patty cake, patty cake, microwave. Suckers make a square. Goddamn I'm paid."
- Young Jeezy, And Then What

"Hey, Young Jeezy, can you get away from my kid? I don't think I feel comfortable with him on your lap anymore."

Filed under: Worst babysitter ever.

#48

"Shittin' like 'No he didn't!', wipin' my ass and splittin'."
- Method Man, Y.O.U.

I would never invite Method Man over.

#47

"My nickname was Creepy."
- Scarface, On My Block

Here's something that you should never say to chicks, something you shouldn't say in a job interview, or really, something you shouldn't say to anyone.

Filed under: Bad with women.

#46

"Bitch nigga, you more of a bitch than a bitch."
- Kurupt, Xxplosive by Dr. Dre

More description needed.

#45

"I got blood on my hands and there's no remorse. I got blood on my dick 'cause I fucked a corpse."
- DMX, Bring Your Whole Crew

Filed under: Graphically overboard.

#44


"I might eat out tonight. Depending on how I feel."
- Young Buck, I Like The Way She Do It by G-Unit

Filed under: Things not worth rapping about in a song.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

#43

http://i128.photobucket.com/albums/p191/chosen1234/Hip%20Hop%20Music%20Dot%20Com/IceCube.jpg
"Your Honor, I'ma have to get rid of ya. Because it ain't no trivia about my flat in West Bolivia."
- Ice Cube from Westside Connection, Gangstas Make The World Go 'Round

I just don't understand why you'd have to get rid of a judge because he thought that Ice Cube didn't have real estate in South America.

#42

"But I heard you blew a nigga with a ox for the phone piece."
- Nas, One Love

All right, look. This doesn't mean what you think it means. I still get to file this under kinda gay-sounding. And it's funny to think of a guy holding the reins to an ox getting blown by another guy. All because he wanted to use the phone.

#41

"'Fuck all you niggas' should be my logo."
- WC, The One

Filed under: Worst most offensive logo ever.
Plus I think a lot of black people would have a problem with this logo.

#40

"Keep your shit the hardest!"
- DMX, Keep Your Shit The Hardest

I'm trying to think of a reason you'd have to "keep your shit the hardest". But I think maybe that's just the worst advice ever. For anything... ever. Oh, I have it. If you're trying to get hemorrhoids, then you definitely should try and "keep your shit the hardest". But you shouldn't be trying to get hemorhhoids. So actually, nevermind.

#39

"I beat a bitch's ass when I'm in a good mood."
- Bizarre, Get the Dick by D12
Bizarre is like the Joe Pesci in Goodfellas of rap. He's just an asshole for no reason. Also, as far as song titles go, "Get the Dick" is pretty much as gay as it gets.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

#38

"Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys open doors. Keys, keys open doors."
- Pusha T from Clipse, Keys Open Doors

I mean, I get what Pusha T actually means. But I just love thinking how this could be like the locksmith's anthem.

#37

"Excuse me miss. I'm the shit."
- Jay-Z, Excuse Me Miss Again

So polite to so conceited in less than one second.

#36

"Too democratic. Republic, fuck it. We chicken nugget. We dip in the sauce like mop and bucket."
- Andre 3000 from OutKast, Humble Mumble

Here's a good example of a lot of words that you think might go together or make sense, but don't.

#35

"I like breathing."
Dr. Dre, The Watcher

Because you can't always rap about how you like jewelry and cars and bitches.
Filed under: So basic.

#34


"C'mon, put your hands up. Nah, fuck that! Put your hands down!"
- Jadakiss, Put Your Hands Up

This quote is the chorus to the song, which means it's said over and over again. Here's the rule; You should decide what you want people to do with their hands before you start rapping about it.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

#33

"I'm the General. Salute me soldier."
- 50 Cent, Straight to the Bank

Filed under: Kinda gay-sounding.

#32

"My chain hang down to my dick. My piece bang glass tables."
Prodigy of Mob Deep, Quiet Storm

Note to myself: Don't invite this guy over. Especially with Snoop (see #31).

#31


"Guess who's back in the motherfuckin' house, with a fat dick for your motherfuckin' mouth?"
- Snoop Dogg, Ain't No Fun

Note to myself: Take Snoop off of my Evite list. He's the worst houseguest of all time.

#30

"Need a man that's polite, listens and takes advice. I could be all three."
- Juelz Santana, Hey Ma by Cam'ron

This is not an absurd rap lyric. In fact, what a nice guy. Hang on, this comes just a few lines later...

"Get in the car, and don't touch nothing. Sit in the car."

#29

"I'm the MBP: Most Ballinest Player."
- Jermaine Dupri, Welcome to Atlanta

Is that how you spell that? Oh, right... It's not a word. Not even close.

#28

"Get off my niggy niggy nuts!"
- LL Cool J, Niggy Nutz

If you had someone on your nuts and you wanted them off of them you MIGHT say... "Get off my nuts!" If you actually said, "Get off my niggy niggy nuts," it would take longer to say. Therefore the person you didn't want on your nuts in the first place would, in fact, be on your nuts for a longer amount of time than if you had just said, "Get off my nuts." So maybe LL doesn't want whoever it is off his nuts as badly as we may think. Just saying.

Monday, February 9, 2009

#27

"Down South barbecue ribs fly out a nigga mouth."
- Slick Rick, Street Talkin'

No, it didn't happen. Ribs don't fly out of mouths. In the words of Kool Keith: "I don't believe you." (see #15)

#26

"Girls pee pee when they see me."
- Notorious BIG, One More Chance

SEVEN! (years old)

#25

"We eat so many shrimp I got iodine poisoning."
- Pimp C, Sippin' on Some Syrup by Three 6 Mafia

At first I thought Pimp C thought "iodine poisoning" just sounded cooler than "cholesterol issues"... But that's not true. It doesn't sound cool either.

#24

"So Do Re, blow me, Fa So La Ti Da Ha... I'm tellin' the truth"
- Big Boi from OutKast, We Luv Deez Hoez

Actually, you're not really saying anything that's debatable (other than you just added blow me to the Solf├Ęge scale.)

#23

"You can ask Dr. Phil. I'm ill."
- Erick Sermon, Like Me

Here's how I imagine that would actually go...
Someone: "Hey Dr. Phil. Is Erick Sermon ill?"
Dr. Phil: "Who?"

Sunday, February 8, 2009

#22

"Burn me, I get into shit, I let it out like diarrhea. Got burnt once, but that was only gonorrhea. Dirty, I keep shit stinks in my drawers..."
- Ol' Dirty Bastard, Shame on a Nigga

The rest of Wu-Tang Clan probably wanted to record the song over without the part about the shit stinks, but apparently nobody had the balls to confront him.

#21

"I watch your mailbox like Vietnam guerrilla warfare"
- Kool Keith, I'm Seein' Robots

Watching a mailbox is nothing like Vietnam guerrilla warfare unless someone is trying to light you on fire while you're doing it.

#20

"I can get your brains for a bargain like I bought it from Target."
- Lil' Wayne, Phone Home

I can't figure out if it's really lame to be getting brains for a bargain OR one of the coolest things you could possibly do.

#19


"Don't say my car is topless. Say the titties is out."
- Nas, Made You Look

Okay. Hey, Nas... your car's titties is out. Oh I thought it would make sense when I wrote it out but it doesn't.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

#18


"I'm in the Gallardo, laughin' like Ricky Ricardo. Eh Eh Eh Eh."
- Fabolous, Gangsta

Hey, Fabolous. You can just change that line to, "I'm acting like the biggest asshole alive."

#17


"That's gay. I ain't into liking dudes. No way."
- Jay-Z, Excuse Me Miss Again

Umm... nobody asked you, Jay. So that makes you seem defensive and gay.

#16

"Look at him, standin' tall with the veins all in it, nuts ripped up with the brain all in it."
- Pharaohe Monch, The Ass

I shouldn't have to explain who "him" is. I mean... Nuts ripped up?

#15

"You say you sellin' furniture. I don't believe you. You work construction. I don't believe you."
- Kool Keith, I Don't Believe You

If someone were ever to tell me that they sell furniture for a living or work construction, I would never not believe them. If they were lying about that... they must have the most boring jobs ever because that lie sucks.


#14

"Roc-A-Fella is the Army... better yet the Navy."
- Jay-Z, Takeover

Both statements make this point: "We have a lot of people." Should have just stuck with Army because it's just less gay.

#13

"If I ever gave a fuck I'd shave my nuts, tuck my dick in between my legs and cluck."
- Eminem, Criminal

If you gave a fuck about what, trying your hardest to have the fewest amount of friends? I was trying to think of what you would have to say to someone for them to respond with this sentence and have it make sense.

Friday, February 6, 2009

#12


"My wallet be lookin' pregnant. Ben Franklin gonna have a daughter."
- Chamillionaire, Nothin But Lies

If Ben Franklin was pregnant with a daughter he would be a woman.

#11


"I be the body-dropper, the heartbeat-stopper, child-educator plus head-amputator."
- GZA, Liquid Swords

First of all, TOO MANY JOBS. Second, three of these jobs are the same job. Lastly, I'm 100% positive you can't be a child-educator plus head-amputator. You can only be one of those at a time.

#10


"Air the club out like a motherfucker farted."
- E-40, The Ambassador

Ummm... that's not cool. Like, even for a baby.

Filed under: so childish.

#9


"I sweat money, and the bank is my shower... And that pistol is my towel."
- Lil' Wayne, Shoot Me Down

Most dangerous, poor-functioning towel ever. Ever.

#8


"Scope honey from the whip. Jump out like 'YAH!' Who the fuck ya with?"
- Jay-Z, I Know What Girls Like

I'm pretty sure if you jumped out of your car like "Yah" and then asked a girl "Hey, who the fuck are you with?"... you'd probably just scare the shit out of her AND who she's with. But maybe not. I mean, I've never tried it.

#7


"I'm dot-com."
- Capone, Invincible

This is just so basic.

#6


"Keep it so real the word 'fake' tries to hate, and jumps out of the dictionary like, 'you gonna get beat up'."
- Chamillionaire, Money Already Made

That's pretty real. Now I'm going to go look up the word "what".

#5

"Lord have mercy! If the broad is thirsty I'll have her man reimburse me."
- LL Cool J, Headsprung

I vote that this is actually the rudest and most disrespectful thing you can do to another man.

#4

"Still be in Miami and jet-skiin' in the ocean where the sharks be at, just O.D.in'."
- N.O.R.E., Nothin'

O.D.ing on a jet-ski. I'll probably just hang back instead of riding on the back of yours. Thanks anyway, N.O.R.E.

#3


"Chill retardo, South Beach. Gallardo, teal. Start it up. Go 'brrrrr' like it's Nardo."
- Pusha T from Clipse, Mr. Me Too

So this is the area where the writers of "noroomservicejustsnacksandshit.com" will possibly comment on the current posted rap lyrics above. But ummm... there's just nothing to say about this one.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

#2

"Before you take them panties off, I got a question for you... I want to know if that pussy smell like water."
- Plies, Water

Couple things. One: you didn't really phrase that as a question, did you? Two: You waited until right now to ask?

Monday, February 2, 2009

#1




"No room service just snacks and shit."
- Jay-Z, Hey Papi

Honestly, this sounds more like something my dad would say. "Remember, no ordering room service. It's too expensive. Plus, I brought snacks."

(This is the line that inspired Chris and Chris to start this website, a catalog of things said in hip-hop and rap that are ridiculous. Whether taken out of context or not, we hope we make you laugh. please understand that we do this out of our never-ending love for rap and hip-hop.)