Tuesday, March 31, 2009

#229

"I'm hot 'cause I'm fly. You ain't 'cause you not."
- Mims, This Is Why I'm Hot

Here's something you're not: good at debating. I WISH the next part of this song was two guys going:
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."
"Am not."
"Are too."

(Sometimes I think this actually could be the best debating there possibly is. Then I realize... No. It's not.)

Filed under: Not good at arguing/So basic

#228

"If I was on my dick, you niggas'll be glad."
-Plies, Friday

Few things. One, this sentence is so weird. Two, this sentence isn't a sentence. Three, what could this possibly mean? If anyone tries to actually explain it to me, I'm going to be kinda mad.

Monday, March 30, 2009

#227

"Got a chick in Foot Locker, she my uptown connects."
- Jae Millz, Streetz Melting

This is the same amount connected as a high school dude who has a buddy who works at Foot Locker, so.... this just isn't all that connected.

Filed under: Not connected at all

#226

"I been drunk most my life, don't ask me why."
- Sheek Louch, Recognize by The Lox

It's kind of not fair to say something like "I've been drunk most of my life" and then refuse to answer questions.

Other thing you can't say followed by "don't ask me why":
1) I'm pregnant.
2) I cut myself.
3) I'm going to kill you.

Filed under: Cry for help

#225


"Gonna leave that hoe with no dough and plenty of back pain."
- DMX, It's All Good

Girl #1: Hey girl, don't ever go out with DMX.
Girl #2: Why not? Is he your boyfriend?
Girl #1: No... because I started out before the date with one-hundred-ten dollars and no back pain.
Girl #2: ... And after?
Girl #1: No money... and plenty of back pain. Needless to say... it sucked.

Filed under: Bad with women

#224

"If you ass-bettin', you just bet your ass."
- Ghostface Killah, The Juks

I don't know what ass-betting is, but it sounds kinda gay.

Filed under: Kinda gay/Probably means nothing

Sunday, March 29, 2009

#223

"If that's a throwback, then I guess I am throwed forward."
- Chamillionaire, Can't Be Stopped by Color Changin Click

I don't know what to say; it's just so incorrect to say "throwed".

Saturday, March 28, 2009

#222

"I'm on my shit. I need a pamper on, toilet paper on the side for example, homie..."
- Tity Boi from Playaz Circle, Duffle Bag Boy

Wearing a "pamper" (should be pampers, if anything) is only an indication that you're a baby, you're not a baby but you are in danger of shitting your pants, or you're completely crazy. Toilet paper on the side of what? Your body? So you've got a diaper on and you need toilet paper as well?

How about this: just replace "I'm on my shit" with "I have dysentery".

Filed under: Lost his mind/Visual not doing it for anyone

#221

"Instead of arguin', can I have dinner with some dessert?"
- Chingy, Pullin' Me Back

Chingy's girl: "It's over."

Filed under: Worst boyfriend ever

#220

"I'm in a tan... what's the name? I own some whatcha-ma-call-its. They keep spinning and spinning... hey man, What do you call it?"
- Murphy Lee, Sample Dat Ass by Chingy

Let me help you out... you're talking about your fucking car and rims.

Back to an earlier point -- you had time to do research before you recorded the music. Let's go ahead and do that before someone says, "...And, we're rolling." Same goes for you, buddy.

Filed under: Not rapping, just trying to remember something/You're in your car, who cares?

Friday, March 27, 2009

#219


"My glock be so judgemental."
- Richie Rich, Ain't Hard To Find by 2Pac

Examples of things a glock can be: big, small, black, scary, metal, sleek, concealed, heavy, light, grey, chrome, dirty, clean, loaded, unloaded, holstered, aimed, long, new, old, broken, stolen, shot, and purchased.

Examples of things a glock can't be: judgemental

#218

"I'm me. I'm me. Bitch, I'm me. Baby, I'm me. So who you? Fuck you, you're not me."
- Lil Wayne, I'm Me

This is what someone says to you right before they stab you in the stomach over and over again with a letter-opener.

Filed under: Having a nervous breakdown/Extreme narcissist

#217


"Me and Dre do things."
- Rick Ross, Chevy Ridin' High by Dre

Yeah, so does everybody ever... in the history of mankind. So, that's like... not worth rapping about.

"Doing things" is just so vague. Like, what things? Pouring coffee I guess. That's one of them.

Filed under: So basic

Thursday, March 26, 2009

#216


"I'ma put it in your wife."
- David Banner, Shawty Say

Filed under: Bad friend/don't invite David Banner to a picnic (if you have a wife)

#215

"Slap me a nigga cause I'm motherfuckin' bored."
- Pastor Troy, Southern Takeover by Chamillionaire

This isn't fair.

Filed under: Do NOT hang out with Pastor Troy if you don't have a plan in place

#214


"Watch me crank my Batman."
- Pop It Off Boyz, Crank Dat Batman

You could say this basically anywhere and no one would have a clue what you were talking about. Here are other words that are in a sentence that would confuse people as much as "Watch me crank my Batman."
1) Simple are too much.
2) It's ate force bed hose time.
3) Dragon space rigid found a the shitball

Filed under: Not a sentence

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

#213

"Don't call me Flip no motherfuckin' more... Call me Flipperachi."
- Lil Flip, What It Do

No, thanks. Flip was bad enough. Flipperachi is fucking ridiculous, not to mention kinda gay because it's pretty much your version of Liberace.

Filed under: Asking too much

#212

"Shorty, you ain't gotta take them panties off... just move 'em to the side."
- 50 Cent, Amusement Park

I can't tell who's lazier, the chick or 50 Cent. If you're this lazy about taking the panties off, how are you going to actually do the fucking part?

Filed under: Sloth

#211


"You can get a circle or a v-neck on your white tee."
- Dem Franchize Boyz, White Tee

Oh yeah? That's cool.

Oh wait, no it's not because everyone already knows that and no one cares.

Filed under: Should work at Target

Side note: None of them are wearing white tees in the photo.

#210


"Silly with my nine-milly."
- Busta Rhymes, Put Your Hands Where My Eyes Could See

I kind of don't know how one could be 'silly' with a nine-millimeter gun. Unless by 'silly' you mean 'dangerous'.

Or maybe instead of 'nine-milly' you meant... that outfit?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

#209

"In a couple of minutes that bottle of Guinness is finished. You are now allowed to officially slap bitches."
- Eminem, Drug Ballad

Uh, if you "officially" slap bitches, you'll probably "officially" ruin the whole party. Also, you'll probably be booked on assault and battery ("officially").

Filed under: Horrendous instructions/Worst guy at a party

#208


"Look at them act like you ain't even see me, man."
- Maino, Hi Hater

I have a friend that convinces himself that people are either talking or thinking about them, or they are pretending NOT to talk or think about them. That's it. According to him it's either one of the two.

I constantly have to remind him that sometimes he's just simply not on people's minds because well... not everyone gives a shit about him...

... kinda like Maino. People like this are annoying.

Filed under: Way too self-absorbed

#207

"For Shakespearean actors: Chino shall busteth your asseth."
- Chino XL, That Would Be Me
Oh, Chino. This is so far away from being poignant.

I'm trying to figure something out. Are you telling Shakespearean actors that you'll kick their ass? Or are you telling someone else that you'll kick their ass and you just wanted to make sure that
Shakespearean actors would be able to understand also?

Filed under: Too confusing/Possibly starting beef with really specific cliques

#206

"I do the damn thang... I let my nuts hang."
- Mack 10, Do The Damn Thing

When you say "do the damn thing" I think you mean "I don't do anything at all"... You and this guy have been hanging out too much. To be clear, you're not letting your nuts do anything. Other things that you can't say:

1) I do the damn thang... I let my bones hang out underneath my skin.
2) I do the damn thang... I let my shit come out when I'm shittin'.
3) I do the damn thang... I let my knees chill where they are, that's right -- in the middle of my legs.

Monday, March 23, 2009

#205

"Slob on my knob like corn on the cob. Check in with me, and do your job."
- Juicy J, Slob On My Knob by Three 6 Mafia

Employee: Hi, boss, I just got here... Checking in.
Boss: Oh good, you're here. Let's just get back to work on what we had you doing last week... slobbing on my knob. And if you get stuck, just remember: think corn on the cob.

[zzzzzziiiiiip]

Filed under: Disgusting/"Slob" isn't a verb

#204

"I move chickens, I move chickens shorty. I move chickens, I move chickens shorty. I move chickens, I move chickens."
- Gucci Mane, I Move Chickens

No matter what you say, I know you're not moving chickens. As in, actually moving chickens from one place to the next.

Filed under: No way he's moving chickens/lost his mind

#203


"You shitted on these niggas two times, Dr. Dre?"
- Snoop Dogg, Bitch Please II by Eminen

Here is an example of a question that never should be asked to anyone in the world ever.

And TWICE?!?! These people didn't obviously learn their lesson. How could this even happen more than once?
Fool me once, shame on you...

Moral of The Story: Snoop and Dre should stop hanging out.

#202


"I wanna fuck. And you tryin' to get a sirloin steak."
Shawn Wigs, Greedy Bitches by Ghostface Killah

YOU CAN DO BOTH.

Filed under: Not mutually exclusive/not gonna work out

Sunday, March 22, 2009

#201

"No I won't take your girl, but I shall take her tongue from her."
- Lil Wayne, Pop Bottles by Birdman

Lil Wayne, you're only allowed to say this if you are Shylock.

Filed Under: Would hurt so bad/Completely medieval

#200


"I'm a little too famous to shoot these pranksters."
- Jay-Z, The Watcher

You actually just can't shoot anyone no matter what level of fame you have. It's still illegal. In fact, you could PROBABLY argue the opposite is true.

Famous people can get away with... well... murder.

Filed under: Bad logic

#199


"The more I come, the more I cum... Get it?"
- Jermaine Dupree, Let's Talk About It by The Clipse

Yeah, we get it.

Filed under: Worst joke ever/too obvious/you should never say "get it" in a song

Saturday, March 21, 2009

#198


"They call me 'Mr. Please Believe It, Believe It Please'."
- Fabolous, Comedy Central by The Clipse

Keeping up with the 'worst nickname' thing here:
1) You shouldn't have an alias that is that much longer than your regular name.
2) Titles for people should not have 7 names in them.
3) It is not okay to have the word "Believe" in your name, unless your name is Phil Believeowitz.

Filed under: Worst name ever/that's not even cool

Side note: Look at that picture. How many times did the edge of that medallion accidentally poke him?

#197


"So fly that my nickname should be 'Up Here'."
- Chamillionaire, The Ultimate Victory

I actually thought about making fun of the name Up Here...

... but anything is better than Chamillionaire.

Filed under: Worst nickname ever

#196

"Make that pussy fart for the Ying Yang twins."
- Ying Yang Twins, Salt Shaker

(Staying in line with the fart posts...)

Ray Charles: "I'm a fool for you..."
The Beatles: "I wanna hold your hand..."
Elvis: "Let me be your teddy bear..."
The Ying Yang Twins: "Make that pussy fart for the Ying Yang twins..."

Filed under: Chivalry is completely dead

D'Elia: Also if you're thinking about the Ying Yang Twins while having sex, that's homosexual.

Friday, March 20, 2009

#195


"If I fart on a record, trust me nigga, it’ll sound good."
- Big Daddy Kane, Show And Prove

It will just sound like a fart.

Bottom line: You cannot trust Big Daddy Kane.

#194


"Take a picture of my nuts so you can see what you missin'."
- Devin The Dude, Just Because

Reflective Person #1: Gosh, this photo album really brings back memories! This picture was when my wife and I were in Paris. You can see the Eiffel Tower right there. Then here is a picture of the cutest koala bear we found in Australia! Awww, look at it! And then this here is a picture I took of my nuts... ya know... so you can see what you been missin'."

Reflective Person #2: I'm leaving.

Filed under: Not our business

#193


"I orchestrated icebergisms."
- LL Cool J, Lollipop

Dear LL,

Are you fucking kidding me?

Sincerely,
Even a baby that would know that icebergisms is not a word.

#192

"Not Popeye but I got my spinach, fellas."
- Rasaq, Can't Be Stopped by Color Changin Click

I know you're talking about money or weed or whatever buuuuuuut... this. just. sounds. so. dorky.

Also, you can only say "fellas" if you're gay or on a baseball team in the 1940s (or both).

Filed under: Actually said the word "spinach" while rapping

Thursday, March 19, 2009

#191


"Excuse me, Miss. Don't mean to be rude, but damn, you looking good like food."
- Choclair, Light It Up

You failed. This is only rude and nothing else...

Except ridiculous.

Choclair went from being nice to rude almost as fast as this guy.

Filed under: Completely failing at what you set out to do

#190


"I'm talking to you. I may be talking to you... or I might be talking to you. Whoever the fuck I'm talking to. If you feel like I'm talking to you, then I'm fuckin' talkin' to you."
- Bumpy Knuckles, Aim-Cock-Spit

This must be why Robert De Niro played the lead role in Taxi Driver... not Bumpy Knuckles. He just seemed way too insecure during the part when he's looking in the mirror talking to himself.

Filed under: Worst Robert De Niro impression ever

#189

"What the fuck--is you stupid?"
- Kadafi, Hit 'Em Up by 2Pac

Oh boy.

Filed under: So ironic it's unbelievable/Bad conjugation

#188

"Burger rappers screamin', 'Where's the beef?'."
- Sean Price, Violent

Dear Sean Price,

A burger rapper is not something. A burger wrapper is something. But we don't think this is what you were saying. And if you were, then they are not screaming anything because they are inanimate objects.

Sincerely,
Everybody everywhere

Filed under: Completely lost his mind

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

#187


"Gimme dat BIBLE."
- The Ambassador, Gimme Dat

Yes. For real. This is a Christian hip-hop song. Thought it was fitting after #186. Dunno which one is funnier.

Filed under: It's weird to make a song that goes "Gimme dat bible", after a song that came out that goes "Gimme dat pussy" in it.

#186


"Gimme dat PUSSY."
- Lil Webbie, Gimme Dat Pussy by Lil Boosie

This is very selfish and controlling.

Side Note: There is a way to scientifically prove 'Lil Webbie' is the worst rap name of all time.

#185


"This is the bullshit the extreme bullshit, the absolute bullshit. This is the bullshit of bullshit. This bullshit is so bullshit I NEVER wanna hear this bullshit on the radio... or in my children's ears... 'cause it's bullshit, you know? So as we talk about the bullshit and what bullshit is... I'ma drop the bullshit on you right now."
- Jeru Tha Damaja, Tha Bullshit

Filed under: Tourette's Syndrome/can't stop saying the word 'bullshit'

#184

"30 mil in the bank, 30 grand on the wrist, and 20 mil in the Swiss, and 30 birds in a tank."
- Freeway, Roc-A-Fella Billionaires

Let's play the game where we pick out the section of the line that doesn't belong or mean anything, or even matter at all to anyone who is bragging about money in the first place.

(Side note: if you actually had this many birds, your house would be annoying to go to. Do you know what it would be like to be in a room with 30 birds in it? It would be chaos.)

Filed under: Doesn't belong/Shouldn't have this many birds unless you're a tree

#183


"To make a long story short, I'm half man, half amazing."
- Afu-Ra, Rumble

Not only is this not a story... you can still be a whole man even if you are half amazing because 'amazing' isn't a gender or species.

Oh, also you can't call yourself amazing. That's someone else's job.

Filed under: Still just a man/so conceited

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

#182

"When it come to hoes, we don't love not one."
- Shyne, Get Out

This sentence is terrible. (This literally could mean that you love all hoes.)

Filed under: Trying to be hard but is actually so romantic

#181

"They call me Bill Clinton for all the head I got."
- Master P, Lay Low by Snoop Dogg

No, nobody calls Master P this. I don't know him, but I can say with absolute certainty that nobody has ever gone up to Master P and said, "Hey what's up, Bill Clinton."

Filed under: Didn't happen

#180

"Went from sitting in the cell to sitting on a jet, from shitting in the cell to shitting on a jet."
- Birdman, Pop Bottles
Yup, we got the picture. You don't have to tell everyone about the next place you're shitting. Why even talk about this?

Filed under: No class/Not our business

D'Elia: ...I went from sleeping in a cell to sleeping in a jet. I went from coughing in a cell to coughing on a jet. I went from talking to someone in a cell to talking to someone on a jet. I went from thinking about things in a cell to thinking about things in a jet.

Filed under: Dr. Seuss

Monday, March 16, 2009

#179


"My situation ain't improvin'. I'm tryin' to murder everything movin'."
- Jay-Z, Hard Knock Life

If you're really trying to improve your situation, 'murdering everything movin' is not going to help things. In fact, it's probably going to make things worse for you.

Filed under: Obviously a bad idea/not gonna work out

#178


"As I drain a nigga's jugular vein and maintain to leave blood stains, so don't complain. Just chill, listen to the beats I spill."
- Dr. Dre, Keep Their Heads Ringin'

If you see someone "draining a nigga's jugular vein" and then you see them "leave blood stains"... I would venture to say that the last thing you would even be able to possibly do after witnessing such an atrocity is to "just chill".

The line should go more like this...

"As I drain a nigga's jugular vein and maintain to leave blood stains so don't complain. Just.. shit your pants and vomit a lot and also piss and cry and then go call the police because what I just did was hopefully the worst thing you ever saw in your life... and listen to the beats I spill, I guess."

Filed under: Graphically overboard

#177

"Mims is hotter than some cooked food."
- Mims, Cop It

It's just so... great how he says some cooked food.

Filed under: Unsure of himself/Bad comparison/Should have just named a temperature

#176


"Where the FUCK is Queens? Where the FUCK is Queens? Where the FUCK is Queens? Where the FUCK is Queens? Where the FUCK is Queens? Where the-- yo, yo, Where the FUCK is Queens?"
- Pharoahe Monch, Right Here

Filed under: The WORST back seat driver of all time.

#175


"I don't love you hoes. I'm out the door."
- Snoop Dogg, Gin And Juice

It is so funny to me to think that "I don't love you hoes," is the last thing Snoop says to a bunch of girls right before he leaves them.

This couldn't be more rude.

Filed under: Gay

Sunday, March 15, 2009

#174

"If Magic Johnson can admit he got AIDS, fuck it, I got herpes."
- The Pharcyde, Soul Flower

Uh, this is NOT a competition. It's not like the upside of having AIDS is that you get to tell people you have it, so you shouldn't go around airing out your herpes.

Filed under: Not our business/worst competition ever

#173

"I'd rather be a pussy-whipped bitch, eat pussy, and have pussy lips glued to my face with a clit ring in my nose."
- Eminem, My Dad's Gone Crazy

A clit ring in your nose wouldn't be a clit ring. It would be a nose ring.

Filed under: Worst "I'd rather be..." license plate frame ever/graphically overboard

#172


"I'm so fly I need my ass kicked."
- Lil Wayne, Talkin' About It

This doesn't make sense at all.

Here are other analogies
that I have made up that do not make sense...
1) I dance more than a chair.
2) I say "wait a minute" more than someone who has never said "wait a minute" before in their life.
3) I'm more lonely than a boo-pip-foo-hound (that's nothing).


Saturday, March 14, 2009

#171

"Smack the bitch in the face, take her Gucci bag and the North Face off her back, jab her if she act funny."
- Notrious B.I.G., Dead Wrong

I mean, the first three things in a row are soooooooooo shitty. The fourth thing is the kicker on the whole thing and makes this the winner for all-time shittiness.
Filed under: Worst valentine ever/Overboard rude

#170


"My chickens be mind-blowin'."
- Cassidy, Take It

I have scoured the internet for a phrase that makes less sense according to the English language. I haven't found one yet.

Then again I've only been checking for a little over an hour.

I mean, "My chickens be mind-blowin'"... That's like what the farmer says when he's on methamphetamines.

Farmer 1: How's business?
Farmer 2: Couldn't be better.
Farmer 1: Great!
Farmer 2: Yeah, 'cause ya know, my chickens be mind-blowin'.
Farmer 1: ...I hate you.

Filed under: Farmer on methamphetamines

Friday, March 13, 2009

#169

"My hand's talkin' to me, they wanna know what’s under yo' skirt."
- Plies, Please Excuse My Hands

"What's up, Plies?"
"Hang on... Let me just finish up my meeting with them."
"Who?"
"My hands."
"See ya, Plies."

Let's stop confusing things here. You want to see under her skirt, not your hands.

Filed under: Too confusing/Worst angle for the defense team in a sexual harassment case

#168


"Life like a Hitchcock flick. Stick to the script. If she can't stick to the script-- stick to this dick."
- Xzibit, Symphony In X Major

Director: So listen, actress. You're not getting the lines right.
Actress: I know I can't seem to get them right. Weird.
Director: Well, I'm giving you one more shot. If you mess up this time... I'm fucking you.

Filed under: Would get a lawsuit

#167

"Touch my microphone on accident and get murdered on purpose."
- Canibus, Get Retarded

You'll also go to court on purpose and probably go to jail on purpose too.

Filed under: Worst childhood ever / Needs Lexapro

#166


"I got the best pussy out."
- Trina, Killing You Hoes

Uh, it's a pussy, not an mp3 player.

Filed under: It's a pussy

Thursday, March 12, 2009

#165

"I say, what's next? What's next? What's N-X-E-T?"
- Warren G, What's Next

If you stand outside and listen closely every time this song plays on the radio, at a certain point you'll hear a slap coming from all directions. This is everyone who is listening slapping their foreheads in unison.

First off, too impatient. You're not even giving anyone any time to answer. Now let's talk about one of the hardest words to mess up when spelling it - NEXT. When you say it out loud, you're almost saying all the letters in the word already. Way to go, Warren G, you did it. It's done.

Filed under: The worst tutor by a colossal margin

#164

"Got a chick named Superhead. She give super head."
- Jadakiss, Blood Pressure by The Lox

Nobody should be named Superhead. We could have just done with a simple "Got a chick that gives super head".

Filed Under: Worst name ever

D'Elia: It's like she's a superhero and her powers are sucking cock. Ummm... that's a bad superpower. Crime would be rampant. Villains would be everywhere hoping that Superhead would come suck their dicks.

Extra filed under: Worst superhero ever

#163


"The pussy cutter. Did I stutter?"
- Mystikal, Danger (Been So Long)

No you didn't stutter. The reason everyone is looking at you like that is because this is gross and weird. I like to picture Mystikal trying to say this to someone in a club and he has to shout because the music is so loud.

Filed under: Heinous/Immediately defensive

#162


"They be like 'He the man', when I'm really a Thundercat."
- Murphy Lee, Shake Ya Tailfeather by Nelly

1) People probably aren't saying, "He the man" about you.
2) You are not a Thundercat.

Filed under: Two straight up lies

#161

"I will email Jesus. Tell him forward to Moses and CC Allah."
- Young Jeezy, My President Is Black

...And these emails will get bounced back to you because Jesus Christ and Moses and Allah don't have email. Side note: Is jesus.christ@gmail.com is taken? If Jesus Christ had email, would he be on Gmail? He'd probably have to have christ.jesus@gmail.com because some asshole would have snatched it up. Oh NO! Why am I thinking about this? Jeezy!

D'Elia: Also it's kinda shitty you're telling Jesus to forward something to Moses and Allah when you can just CC them at the same time. It seems like Jeezy's laziness may send him right to Hell...

... And... if you believe in GOD, then you certainly must believe that you don't need to EMAIL them. YOU CAN JUST PRAY. They usually get the message quicker than the 3G network can send it in text.

Filed under: Going to Hell

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

#160

"I'm like, 'Fuck critics, you could kiss my whole asshole'."
- Jay-Z, 99 Problems

Well, critics are like, "No."

Also you don't need the word "whole" at all in this sentence.

Filed under: A bad suggestion

Macho: Right, it would be hard to kiss anything less than the whole asshole.

#159


"Hey, bitch. Wait til you see my dick. I'mma beat that pussy up. Like, bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum bee-yum."
- Ying Yang Twins, Wait

Saying "bee-yum" sixteen times after something that is already the rudest thing ever to say to a woman really just kinda nails it home doesn't it?

Filed under: Bad with women

#158


"I, Bumpy Knuckles, huh, solemnly swear to show these motherfuckers that I don't care."
- Bumpy Knuckles, No I Ain't Wit It!

If you said this on the stand in court, I'm pretty sure that if you didn't lose all credibility as a witness by the time you called yourself 'Bumpy Knuckles', you'd definitely lose it all by the time you got to the point where you started calling everyone 'motherfuckers'.

Filed under: Gonna be held in contempt

#157


"Fuck that! I lay my murder game down."
- 50 Cent, Curtis 187

I can't imagine what would make someone say this...

Maybe if a bunch of guys were saying "Dude, if you don't lay your murder game down soon even though you don't want to, people will think you have a small penis and dislike you" over and over again for hours on end in a small room with no air conditioning (also not providing water or food) THEN I could MAYBE see having to form that sentence out loud... "FUCK THAT! I LAY MY MURDER GAME DOWN!"...

... but I don't think that ever happened to 50 Cent.

Furthermore, what is a "murder game"? You certainly have not killed anybody, 50 Cent. So what are you talking about? I think basically "laying down your murder game" is just another way of saying you're "kind of getting angry." In which case, I laid my murder game down the other day when Carl's Jr. mixed up my order with someone else's.

BUP BUP BUP BUP BUP!!!!

Filed under: Lying/Not murdering anybody

#156

"I'll have you squirtin' for certain, yeah bring a diaper."
- Cam'ron, Cookies and Apple Juice

Hey, yeah, so, this isn't going to work if she's actually wearing a diaper. Not even one bit. You actually probably won't be able to get a boner because all you'll be thinking about is how she's wearing a diaper.

Filed under: not even kinky

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

#155

"It's a privilege to breathe the same air that I farted in."
- Joe Budden, Dumb Out

I just picture Joe Budden farting really loudly in the park and then saying, in all seriousness, "You're welcome."

Filed under: delusional / simply incorrect / total jerk

#154


"Straight smack a nigga in his face like this was handball."
- Busta Rhymes, The Monument by Wu Tang Clan

This just simply isn't a part of handball. This analogy is even worse than the Star Trek one in #146.

Here are some more examples of analogies that don't work...
1) I eat so much, that people call me "Guy Who Never Eats".
2) People like me more than someone who always annoys the shit out of you by poking your eyes.
3) I'm hotter than the number seven.

Filed under: Worst analogy ever

#153


"Waitin' on the rizzle the dizzle and the shizzle."
- Snoop Dogg, Drop It Like It's Hot

There are nine words in this sentence. And three of them well... aren't words. So I guess there are just six words.

Needless to say, Snoop is going to be waiting for a while...

"Hey where's Snoop?"
"Oh, he's waiting on the rizzle, the dizzle, and the shizzle."
"Hey, I'm never hanging out with you again."
"Okay."

Filed under: What?

#152

"I bet if you wanted to you'd make that pussy drip like your snotbox up in the winter."
- Choclair, Body Language

This is the most immature bet ever. How would you even figure out who won? I think it's worth reiterating that he actually says "snotbox" in this song.

Filed Under: Don't listen to this song right before you eat something/worst bet ever

Monday, March 9, 2009

#151

"I'm such a failure."
- Sean Price, Violent

For those of you who don't know, this is the first thing said in this song. Oh. My. God. You can't begin a song like this. He continues:

"I'd just like to say... nothin' really."

"CUT! I think we better stop this take and start over." (What I just wrote here is something that obviously wasn't spoken by a producer in the booth.)

Filed Under: self-esteem and confidence issues

#150


"Whoo! The snakes, the grass, too long, to see! UH! The lawnmower. UH! Sittin right next, to the tree! C'mon!"
- DMX, Who We Be

I feel like here DMX is trying to really get things pumped up and amped. But you can't really do that by describing where lawnmowers are.

Filed under: Not rapping, just describing where lawnmowers are

#149

"The disco ball in my mouth insinuates I'm balling."
- Paul Wall, Drive Slow by Kanye West

I think it's more like the disco ball in your mouth insinuates you make bad decisions about what goes in your mouth. It also insinuates you won't be having any conversations with people because you can't talk when you have that in your mouth. Oh, it mostly insinuates that you're a liar because there's no way you can fit a disco ball in your mouth.

Filed Under: Going to need mouth stitches

#148


"Body be just like a girl in uh.. What's that movie? Nevermind."
- Twista, Wetter

Okay, I'm pretty sure you're supposed to figure out what the movie is before you record the song. "Nevermind" is NEVER something you can say in a song because it means that whatever you just said was NOT important, therefore it should NOT be in the song.

Filed under: Not rapping, just trying to figure something out

Sunday, March 8, 2009

#147


"Tommy Lee status so I'll probably get a million sluts."
- Trae, I'm Fresh

If these two had a "slut getting" competition (first to a million), the outcome would probably look something like this...
Tommy Lee "slut" count - 1,000,000
Trae "slut" count - 8

At least he included the word "probably" in the sentence. I feel like Trae is the type of guy who says things to his friends like, "I bet I could hit home runs if I played baseball."

Filed under: Delusional

#146

http://media.phoenixnewtimes.com/the-tao-of-pooh.27502.51.jpg
"I'm so fly, I'm on Star Trek."

- Pooh Baby, Cell Phone Watch by Lil Scrappy

Here's an example of an analogy that isn't true, or effective because of how much it doesn't make sense.

Other examples that I have made up that are equally as bad.
1) I'm so nice, I'm practically a barracuda.
2) I get more money than a floor.
3) I'm so rich it's like I'm covered in strawberries.

#145

"Like, 'Mirror mirror on the wall, tell me who's iller.' How you like that? I use to say it just like that. Maybe I should copyright that -- I'll be right back."
- Canibus, Canibus Man

Hey Canibus, you don't need to go copyright this because it's not that clever and nobody is going to use/steal this. You certainly don't need to go leaving the song in the middle of recording it.

Saturday, March 7, 2009

#144

"I threw on my brand new doggy underwear."
- Snoop Dogg, Lodi Dodi

Four years old!

Filed under: So not gangster

#143


"Wipin' my ass with 20s."
- Ice Cube, Until We Rich

Such a bad role model it's unbelievable.

#142


"I pulled up with A MILLION trucks!"
- Ludacris, Stand Up

I just don't have any idea how hard this was to orchestrate, but I bet it was nearly impossible.

Also I bet they got a million tickets too.

Friday, March 6, 2009

#141

"I'm like all races combined in one man."
- Nas, Nas Is Like

This is wholly untrue.

Filed under: completely wrong/impossible

#140


"I be a headbanger to my very last breath."
- Erick Sermon, K.I.M.

Erick Sermon's chiropractor: "Okay, you're all set. Now remember, you need to stop... ya know."

Erick Sermon: "Sorry, Doc, '...to my very last breath'."

Erick Sermon's chiropractor sighs.


Filed under: Not fun/Don't sit next to this person at the movies

#139

"Well it's the Ice Cream Man, bitch, don't you hear the music?"
- Dru Down, Ice Cream Man

Filed under: Terrible father

#138


"I'm in your top eight, NIGGA!"
- Tony Yayo, Touch The Sky by 50 Cent

Hello internet world. I have discovered the least gangster thing ever said in a gangsta rap song in a gangsta rap way.

Filed under: Less gangster than Keanu Reeves

#137


"Let me shit on your chest and if some pee comes out just guzzle it down. Guzzle it down."
- Eminem, Peep Show by 50 Cent

Ummm... No deal.

Filed under: Graphically overboard

#136


"What the dilli-o? What the drilli-o?"
- Missy Elliot, Get Ur Freak On

I guess this rhymes. So that's a good thing. But drilli-o isn't anything. Oh, yeah neither is dilli-o.

Filed under: Not counting as lyrics because they're not even words

Thursday, March 5, 2009

#135

"Shut the fuck up, bitch. Eat a dick, bitch. Eat a bowl of shit, bitch. Munch on a mouthful balls in the halls in malls. Just, shut the fuck up and work your jaw."
- Kurupt, Your Gyrl Friend

I would never say this to someone and then put my balls in their mouth because they would probably bite them off.

Filed under: plain rude/so crass/worst Valentine ever/bad with women/worst cereal ever/terrible role model/horrendous instructions/just said 'malls' because it rhymes/so dick/worst childhood ever/not rapping

#134


"We call it Quarterbackin'. Yeah, and I ain't talkin' about sports. Trust that. Oooooooh."
- E-40, Quarterbackin'

Oh, okay well then technically you're not really talking about anything because the only time someone uses the term "quarterback" is when they are talking about sports, sooooo.....

You can't just make up a term and then it's something. Unless you're 5 and around other 5-year-olds.

The fact that E-40 says this makes me jamp. (Jamp is a term I made up and it means "feel sorry".)

#133


"Who I'm is?"
- Method Man, 50 Buck by Ghostface Killah

This is how Method Man's childhood must have gone...

Six Year Old Method Man: "Hey mom I got my report card today."
Method Man's Mom: "What did you get in English?"
Six Year Old Method Man: "F minus."
Method Man's Mom: "Oh... well... Who cares really? Go watch TV."

This is actually what someone who all of a sudden got amnesia would say... if he also didn't know English.

Filed under: Bad role model