Thursday, April 30, 2009

#292

"Wanna be like me? This is what you better do. Eat your Scooby Snacks, and clear a whole plate of vegetables."
- Young Berg, Do That There

Besides the Scooby Snacks thing -- which doesn't make sense because Scooby Snacks don't exist in real life -- this caught me off guard because you usually just don't hear health tips while listening to rap (or any music come to think of it).

Filed under: Unexpected healthy instructions / Lost his mind

#291


"Your girl has been landmarked. That means that I marked her. That means that I skeeted sperm all over her twat fur."
- Paul Mussan, Creepin' by Tech N9ne

There are a few definitions here that are completely wrong according to dictionary.com.

Landmark - a mark showing the boundary of a piece of land.
Therefore you cannot "landmark" a girl.

Mark - designate as if by a mark; "This sign marks the border" .
Therefore it does not mean "to skeet sperm on a woman's twat fur."

Filed under: So crass / such a bad student

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

#290


"If you mad at me, sorry 'n shit."
- Tech N9ne, Sorry 'N Shit

Filed under: So insincere

#289


"I'm the only human with an astronaut suit."
- Nesto, In The Air by Tech N9ne

No you're not.

You probably don't even have one.

Actually... you definitely don't.

See ya.

Filed under: Lost his mind

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

#284, 285, 286, 287, 288

"I ain't never seen a ass like that. The way you move it. You make my pee-pee go da-doing doing doing."
- Eminem, Ass Like That

"I'm not done, not 'til I'm finished peeing."

- Eminem, Ass Like That

"And do not treat me like a murderer, I just like to pee-pee-pee."
- Eminem, Ass Like That

"I don't even know if I can say the word pee-pee-pee on the radio... but I think I did."
- Eminem, Ass Like That

"So, Gwen Stefani, will you pee-pee on me please?"
- Eminem, Ass Like That

Where to start? This is off the charts immature. You can't say pee-pee this much in a song unless -- and I truly mean this -- you're under 4 years of age. But, I suppose if you were to do this you'd get your mouth washed out with soap. So, I guess I don't really have any solutions, then. How about this... Don't ever say pee-pee this much in a song. No, hang on... Don't ever say pee-pee in a song period.

Filed under: Bladder issues / So unsophisticated

#283

"I'm grinnin' so hard it look like it's a picnic."
- Gucci Mane, I Move Chickens

Here's another comparison that doesn't work one bit. Tried to work this out but all I could think of was the following things about picnics:

1. They don't have teeth.
2. They aren't necessarily all white.
3. They aren't people so they don't smile.

Maybe he's just talking about how much food he has stuck in his teeth. Then I realized you should never talk about this / rap about this becasue it's gross and disgusting.

Filed under: Worst comparison ever / Disgusting

#283


"Just make sure you mention my name in the top brackets. And make sure they mention your name as the top faggot."
- Jadakiss, Air It Out

I just... laughed... so hard at this.

"Top brackets" are something. A "top faggot" is nothing. You can't be the best at being gay or gayer than other gays. If you have sex with a man, you're just gay.

Also how would you like to be in that meeting with Jada and the record exec?
Jadakiss: "Hey make sure you put my name up there, in the top bracket for the record sales thingy (pointing to an official paper of some sort that reads 'Top Record Sales')... And then make sure to put your name... right there (pointing to a column that Jadakiss wrote in with a pen entitled 'Top Faggot').
Record Exec: "But... (sigh) nevermind."

Filed under: So predjudiced / so angry for no apparent reason

Monday, April 27, 2009

#282


"Are you into astrology? 'Cause umm... I'm trying to make it to Uranus."
- Kanye West, Gettin' It In by Jadakiss

This achieves multiple levels of stupidity. Here's how!
1) It's so immature and played out to make a "Uranus/Your Anus" joke.
2) Astrology would not help you get to Uranus at all.

Filed under: So hacky

#281


"Last time there's beef, had to bring it to your door."
- Noreaga, Bring It Here by Capone N Noreaga

This isn't something a rapper says. It's something a lazy beef salesman says.

Filed under: Lazy beef salesman

Sunday, April 26, 2009

#280


"The 'A' is for Ashley, she always ask me to take it out her pussy, stick it right in her ass."
-Lil Wayne, Alphabet Bitches

Teacher: "Okay you know you obviously have to go to detention now, right?...
... Ashley, you too."

Filed under: So crass / Never got through kindergarten

Oh, yeah I almost forgot... 'A' is for Apple.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

#279

"I fucks with my gat out."
- Ja Rule, Can I Get A... by Jay-Z

I'm going to take the lead here and say this is completely false.
Filed under: I highly doubt it / So dangerous if so / Bad English

Friday, April 24, 2009

#278

"I can shoulder lean, I don't know how to dance, though."
- Young Dro, Shoulder Lean

Thanks for sharing. By the way, this isn't rapping. Oh, and also... A SHOULDER LEAN ISN'T SOMETHING!

Filed under: Who cares? / This is nothing

#277

"I'm so bad, I could suck my own motherfuckin' dick."
- Pimp C, I'm So Bad by UGK

Oh. I think you meant to say, "I'm so gross and weird, I could suck my own motherfuckin' dick, and I shouldn't be telling people that I do this."

Then, at the end of the song...

"Burt's so bad, he can suck his own dick. Chris so bad, he can suck his own dick. Bun B so bad, he can suck his own dick. Ron so bad, he can suck his own dick. Tang so bad, he can suck his own dick. Kye so bad, he can suck his own dick. Will so bad, he can suck his own dick. The rest ain't that bad... Peace, I'm outta here."

As if this is the big finish to a speech and everyone is cheering him on.

Filed under: Gross / Not a good thing / Worst speech ever

Thursday, April 23, 2009

#276

"Critics wonder will I last long, even though I showed my ass on my last song."
- Rick Ross, Cross That Line

Someone tell Rick Ross that it's not possible to show your ass on a song.

Filed under: Because it's a song

D'Elia: Yeah, also "showing your ass on a song" isn't a good counterpoint to critics wondering if you'll last long.

#276


"Phoenix-- capital of Arizona. But that means nothin'. I'm just saying something."
- Erick Sermon, Can U Hear Me Now

If you're going to say this, it should be while you're talking to your friend. Not recorded in a song and sold.

I take that back. You actually just shouldn't say it. I mean, maybe the first sentence. But not the second part.

He also says this in the same song... "I never took my dog to the vet."

This song should not be called "Can U Hear Me Now." It should be called... "One Side Of A Conversation."

Filed under: What an asshole

#275

"Running your mouth, before I shit all in it."
- Beanie Sigel, Kiss Your Ass Goodbye (Extended Remix) by Sheek Louch

It would undoubtedly be the hardest thing ever to shit in another man's mouth, unless this man was asleep, and he slept with his mouth open... in which case you would be a creepy, perverted dude trying to shit in another man's mouth while he sleeps..

Filed under: Worst slumber party host / Pervert

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

#274

"Hey, I'm just a bedroom gangster."
- Ludacris, Money Maker

Hey, this isn't something.

#273

"Coast to coast, L.A. to Chicago."
- Snoop Dogg, B Please

Filed under: Worst pilot ever

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

#272


"When I'm pervin', everything be looking cute."
- B-Legit, Hurricane by The Click

...Dudes?

Filed under: Bi

Monday, April 20, 2009

#271

"My bathtub lift up, my walls do a 360."
- Jadakiss, We Gonna Make It

This would be sucky if this actually happened in your house. Also, if anything, don't you mean to say 180?

Filed under: Lost his mind

#270


"I be so rebelulous."
- E-40, Ring It

No you don't. Because that's nothing.

Here are other things you're not...
1) Dimpy
2) Firbude
3) Shint

Here's something you are...

... Idiotic for saying that.

Filed under: Bad English teacher

Sunday, April 19, 2009

#269

"March to my own tune, nigga, Do-Rae-Me."
- Young Redd, All Hood by Trae

This isn't your tune.

Filed under: Worst tune ever, anyway

Saturday, April 18, 2009

#268

"Keith Murray, the holder of the boulder."
- Keith Murray, K.I.M. by EPMD

Okay... the worst job ever

OR

Just said it because it rhymes.

Filed under: So basic / Not fun / Not necessary / Worst job of all time

Friday, April 17, 2009

#267


"I like them with the big ole' butts. Say "what's up" then dig in them guts."
- Too $hort, Choosin'

I'm pretty sure that when meeting a woman, there are a few steps between saying "what's up" and "digging in her guts" like I don't know... I guess at least buying her a drink, or some talking maybe.

And that probably holds true no matter how big her butt is.

Side note" "Dig in them guts" is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard.

Filed under: Bad with women

#266

"Now pull in the parkin' lot, nigga find a parkin' spot."
- Ice Cube, Do Ya Thang

Too banal to be rapping about.

Filed under: Trivial / Should never recap parking / (PARKING!)

Thursday, April 16, 2009

#265


"I spend all day fishin' and won't catch one. Just me and mami out in the sun... just sailing."
- Sheek Louch, Get This Money by The LOX

So, I suppose it's okay to talk about this in a song. It actually sounds like a nice romantic day trip with the lady...

Uhhh... but why the fuck is the song called "Get This Money"? You get no money sitting in a boat with a girl not catching fish.

Filed under: Really bad productivity

#264


"One Mississippi, you can't get with me. Two Mississippi, you never gonna hit me. Three Mississippi, can't no bitch trick me. Four Mississippi, won't no dogs sick me. Five Mississippi, we in Mississippi twenty deep on the block."
- Styles P, Livin' The Life by The LOX

Dear rappers,
For about a decade no one can rap the word "Mississippi" because Styles P from The LOX has abused the privilege and quota.
Sincerely,
People who live in Mississippi

Filed under: Saying Mississippi too much in a song.

#263

"Up in Benihana, see me slangin' them chairs."
- T.I., Big Shit Poppin'

How non-gangster is it to hang out in chain restaurants and throw chairs around?

Filed under: Barred for life from Benihana restaurants

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

#262


"That bloke from Oasis said I couldn't play guitar. Somebody should'a told him I'm a fuckin' rock star."
- Jay-Z, Jockin' Jay-Z

Somebody: "Hey, Mr. Gallagher from Oasis, remember when you said Jay-Z couldn't play guitar?"
Mr. Gallagher: "Yeah... I do remember that."
Somebody: "Yeah well, don't know if you know this but Jay-Z is a rock star, soooo...."
Mr. Gallagher: "Oh, I still don't give a shit."

Filed under: The worst counterpoint

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

#261

"Lord, this motherfuckin' dick good and it always be hard."
- Juvenile, Project Bitch by Big Tymers

Filed under: Worst prayer ever / Going to hell

#260

"In a room full of crackers, I might cut the cheese."
- Method Man, Redbull by Wu-Tang Clan

I want to point out that at the very end of this line, someone makes a really immature farting noise. Rapping about farting shouldn't be allowed (it happens way more often than it should - See #10, #55, #195, #253 to start).

Filed under: So immature / So childish / Farting

#259

"Guns everywhere like the car came with hammers."
- Cam'Ron, Down And Out

Dear Cam'Ron,
Stop fucking with everyone. You know this is bullshit.
Sincerely,
Everyone

Filed under: Worst analogy ever

Monday, April 13, 2009

#258


"Lend me your body."
- Diddy, Buck In Here

I mean, "borrowing a woman's body" just seems like the most disrespectful way of saying "I would like to make love with you".

Bottom line: Bodies can't be "borrowed" unless you are Lucifer or one of his minions.

Oh, wait. I think I get what he means after seeing the picture above.

Filed under: Gonna probably get into an argument with a girl/almost illegal-sounding

#257

"Fresher than a mint leaf, smellin' like a coca leaf."
- DJ Paul, Doe Boy Fresh by Three 6 Mafia

Too many leaf references for one sentence.

Filed under: Too many leaves

Sunday, April 12, 2009

#256

"I kick so fuckin' hard they say 'You's Japanese'."
- Mystikal, Tarantula

"What else can you tell me about that Mystikal guy?"
"Well... He kicks pretty hard."
"Oh. Really?"
"Yeah. He's practically Japanese."
"That's pretty racist."

Saturday, April 11, 2009

#255

"I got plasmas in the shower."
- Rick Ross, A Mircale by Webbie

Uh... This is a bad idea.

Filed under: Asking to get electrocuted

#254

"Lay the beef on his noodle, make some Luger lasagna. Forty-cal fettuccine, trey-pound pasta... ya reach for this medallion, you must like Italian, nigga."
- Fabolous, You Ain't Got Nuthin' by Lil Wayne

This is such a long, roundabout way to tell people that not to mess with you and touch your stuff. We don't need all the Italian food shit in there. In fact, it's just kind of making me hungry.

Filed under: Don't rap if you're hungry

Friday, April 10, 2009

#253


"Oops, somebody farted."
- Tech N9ne, F.T.I.

I mean... four years old.

Plus like, how can you say "oops" in front of "somebody farted" without actually meaning that you farted? That just makes me laugh for way too long. He's so passing the blame on someone else.

Filed under: I can't believe that the word "farted" is in a song.

#252


"Every time my nigga throw one of them motherfuckin karate kicks at your ass-- you know that's real hip-hop comin' at you."
- Royce 5'9", Pusha by Afu-Ra

Yeah, you know... that's not as much "real hip-hop" as much as it is just "fighting".

Filed under: Not real hip-hop/simply doing karate

#251

"They can suck my dick while I'm puking."
- Eminem, No Apologies
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Why would you even try to plan things out this way?

Filed under: So gross I don't even know what to say

Thursday, April 9, 2009

#250


"I got colonial bread."
- Young Jeezy, Trap Star
Excuse me?

Filed under: Doesn't particularly mean anything whatsoever/At a potluck dinner

#249

"Do you want it on the floor? Do you want it on the chair? Do you want it over here? Do you want it over there? Do you want it in ya pussy? Do you want it in ya ass?"
- Petey Pablo, Freek-A-Leek

Quit asking questions and make a decision. This is getting weird.

Filed under: So indecisive that it's ruining the mood

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

#248


"Blood on my kicks. Shit on my knife."
- Mobb Deep, Hell On Earth

Just where are you running and what are you stabbing?

Filed under: Worst most hap-hazardous killer

#247

"My jewels hang low like my balls in the potty."
- Ghostface Killah, Good

Low hanging jewels... okay, whatever. Balls in the potty... so unsanitary.

#246


"Every freak should have a picture of my dick on they walls."
- Polow Da Don, Throw Some D's by Rich Boy

Uhhhhh. No they shouldn't. This would not be good for anyone trying to have guests over, not to mention creepy for you.

Filed under: Bad interior decorator

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

#245


"It's elementary, life is but a dream. You know row, row ya boat. Your blood forms a stream."
- 50 Cent, I'm Supposed To Die Tonight

50 Cent: Hey Principal Harrison, you wanted to see me?
Principal Harrison: Yes. Listen 50 Cent, we have to let you go. Parents are complaining.
50 Cent: Is this because of the "row, row your boat blood stream" thing?
Principal Harrison: Yes, obviously.

Filed under: Worst babysitter

#244

"I got candy in my cup, candy in my car, candy on my wrist, candy on my car."
- Pimp C, Swishas and Dosha by UGK

"I'm not sure I mentioned this before when I said candy in my car, I've got it on my car, too."

I feel like he started this line thinking he had plenty of things to list with candy on it and after the third thing realized that was pretty much it and had to backpedal.

Filed under: Trying to pick up on kids

#243

"Every now and then Shawty might rock gators."
- Shawty Lo, Dey Know

Every now and then I might rock some shorts but I don't ever say this to anyone because nobody cares.

Filed under: Not worth rapping about this

Monday, April 6, 2009

#242

"I keep bitches straight up like, 'Simon says open vagina'."
- Cam'Ron, Down and Out

Girl on a blind date with Cam'Ron: "So, have you been in any other relationships?"
Cam'Ron: "Well, in the past I've just kept my bitches straight up like 'Simon says open vagina' and it's pretty much worked out, so... I don't know. You tell me."

Girl throws wine in Cam'Ron's face. Then, after a minute...

MaƮtre D': "Sir, please get out."

#241


"Let me see your breast-icles or something, bitch."
- Kutt Calhoun, Drill Team by Tech N9ne

This is for sure a way to drive women away. Not only are you using a childish, made up synonym for the word "breasts", you just called her a bitch too.

I actually think that David Allen-Grier has said this at some point as a joke. And then people laughed. Therefore, don't say it seriously as a gangsta in a rap song.

#240

"Toothbrush all in my mouth."
-Median, Personified

Here we go with another round of extra words that don't need to be in the sentence. On three, let's all name the word that doesn't need to be in here.

1... 2... 3!

Sunday, April 5, 2009

#239

"Chalupas fresh like pilates."
E-40, Do Ya Head Like This

No.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

#238

"So don't believe everything your earlobe captures, it's mostly backwards... Unless it happens to be as accurate as me. And everything said in song you happen to see -- then actually, believe half of what you see, none of what you hear, even if it's spat by me. And with that said, I will kill niggas dead."
- Jay-Z, Ignorant Shit

Dear everybody in the world,
Don't fuck with Jay-Z because he has obviously lost his mind.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Is Confused Because They Listened to This Song

Filed under: What?/Way too many instructions

#237

"If your ass is fat and you know it, clap your hands."
- Murphy Lee, Sample Dat Ass by Chingy

I mean... WORST KINDERGARTEN TEACHER OF ALL TIME.

Filed under: You're fired/Doesn't even work in the song because there are too many syllables.

Friday, April 3, 2009

#236

"Bitch, I'm a self-made trillionaire, get your soft ass outta here."
- Bun B, Swishas and Dosha by UGK

Nobody is a trillionaire so this is a lie and you know it. Oh, and nice job trying to ease the harshness of 'get your ass outta here" with soft.

Filed under: Completely making shit up

Thursday, April 2, 2009

#235

"Charms so heavy that my neck don't like me."
- Jibbs, Chain Hang Low

Hey, Jibbs... You can do something about your neck that hurts. First idea: Take those "charms" off.

One other thing: your neck is not another person so it can't not like you. It's... on you already.

#234


"Treat cha' to the finer things. Neck bling, wrist bling, wedding ring-- Nah, I'm playin'."
- 2 Pistols, She Got It

This is a bad trick to play on a woman that may be interested in you.

So chivalrous to so shitty in less than one second.

#233


"Not no bitch, and say I still ain't a ho."
- Z-Ro, Mo City Don

You can't all of a sudden become a ho. It's kind of just weird that you are reinforcing the fact that you are a male.

I bet Z-Ro is the type of guy at dinner that makes a point to eat all of his food and all the stuff left over on everyone else's plate and then talks about how he can eat so much and how once he ate 6 burgers in one sitting.

Filed under: We know you have a dick it's okay calm down

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

#232


"I'm friends with the guy that designs the way money looks in the future."
- Busta Rhymes, Like Ohh by Grafh

This is just too weird and specific really to say in a rap song... or any song.

It's also completely pathetic to tell us who your friends are. But since we are on the subject, I'm friends with Dave M, Chris S, Chris M, Matt, Dave S, Mike, Ashton and Todd.

Also you aren't friends with the guy who designs the way money looks in the future.

Oh, and also even if you are no one cares.

Oh, and also you should just be better friends with the guy who designs better tattoos for your arm... in the future.

Filed under: Sad and pathetic

#231

"I've sold kilos of coke, I'm guessing I can sell CDs."
- Jay-Z, Diamonds From Sierra Leone by Kanye West

Guy who's hiring at Virgin: "We're going to go with the other guy."

Filed under: Two completely different things

#230

"The town done fucked around and voted me the mayor."
- Mack 10, Inglewood Swangin'

As far as I know, nobody fucks around and votes. And you're definitely not, and never have been, the mayor of Inglewood. However, it would be certain that if you were the mayor, it would be because everyone was fucking around and voting instead of just, you know... voting.

Filed under: This didn't happen