Sunday, May 31, 2009

#334

"Ciga-cigar, right from the Cuba Cuba... I just bite it. It's for the look, I don't light it."
- Will Smith, Gettin' Jiggy With It

This is so pussy. Like, why even hold the cigar? And biting it? I mean... this is so not fun I can't even believe it.

Filed under: Has no idea how or why to do things

Saturday, May 30, 2009

#333

"It's a cold winter, y'all niggas better bundle up."
- Freeway, What We Do

Producer at The Weather Channel: "You're fired."

Friday, May 29, 2009

#332


"Yellow fists. Yellow wrists. Yellow chicks. Yellow Crys. Bitch you gotta yield, you don't see this damn yellow whip? Yellow gun. Yellow clip."
- Young Dro, My Girl

Filed under: Definitely has diabetes / go to the doctor

#331

"I ain't chillin' 'til I'm out parachutin'."
- Styles P, Money, Power, & Respect by The LOX

Really... Can't relax until you're falling through the sky? Okay. You got me. You're the dopest guy of all time.

Filed under: Most hardcore dude ever / Not fun

Thursday, May 28, 2009

#330


"Pussy goin' bonkers."
- Nicki Minaj, Pussy Nigga by Gucci Mane

A pussy gets wet and guys like it a lot, but something that it never does is "go bonkers".

Filed under: Not good at bragging

#329


"I gotta big up my nigga named Saddam Hussein."
-Busta Rhymes, It's A Party

Okay first of all Saddam Hussein doesn't know who you are. But even if you guys were friends, like, I mean... how the hell do you guys know each other?

Busta Rhymes in Saudi Arabia: "Hey Saddam! Big up!"
Saddam Hussein: "Kill him."

Filed under: Pretending you're friends with Iraqi presidents

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

#328

"You better act like you know man, in my hood they call me 'Jeezy Da Snowman'. You get it? Get it? 'Jeezy da Snowman'."
- Young Jeezy, So Icy

Uh, YEAH, we get it. It's not gangster to share the same nickname with Frosty.

Filed under: Worst nickname ever

D'Elia: It's so insecure to say "Get it" TWICE after you say something. And being insecure is so not gangster either.

#327

"Gucci all red so he shittin’ on the infants. He shittin’ on the infants, Gucci all red man, these shoes $450."
- Gucci Mane, Never Too Much Money

Gucci Mane: "Congratulations on the baby... can I hold him?"
Everyone within earshot: "NO!"

Filed under: Worst babysitter ever / Bad at trying to change the subject

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

#326

"When you give me a hug I be feelin' your butt."
- T.I., Let's Get Away

Sleazeball.

Filed under: In 6th grade

#325


"Every night is Christmas. Every night is New Year's."
- Drake, Asthma Freestyle

Nope. Not true.

Filed under: Would be so tired / Would be broke after a few days

#324


"While you're imitating Al Capone, I'll be Nina Simone, and defecating on your microphone."
- Lauryn Hill, Ready Or Not

I like to imagine this conversation happened at some point in history...

Person who uses the mic after Lauryn Hill: "Uh, why does this microphone smell like shit?"
Stagehand: "Oh because Lauryn Hill was just here, and ya know... she was being Nina Simone."
Person who uses the mic after Lauryn Hill: "... AND?"
Stagehand: "You know... the other guy was imitating Al Capone and then... she took a shit on it... duh."

Filed under: A bad idea for all involved parties

Sunday, May 24, 2009

#323


"You's a vagina."
- Chamillionaire, Who They Want

I mean... just like... wow.

...You's an idiot.


Filed under: so childish / I can't stop laughing at how dumb this is

#322


"You could tell me about your day, I'll pretend I listen. And you ain't gotta love me, just be convincing."
- Clipse, Dirty Money

Yeah, so this relationship is just so headed south.

Filed under: Not gonna work out

Thursday, May 21, 2009

#321

"Ain't my birthday but I got my name on that cake."
- Lil Wayne, Stuntin' Like My Daddy

"I picked up that cake for Mark's birthday."
"Great, let's see it... Oh, it says 'Happy Birthday Weezy' on it."
"Yeah, well... oops."
"You're the most self-centered person alive."

Filed under: Attention whore

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

#320

"They call me 'Jaws', my hat is like a shark's fin."
- LL Cool J, I'm Bad

No they don't. And, no it's not.

Filed under: Didn't happen / Not true

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

#319


"Ain't no such thing as friends. Only associates. So if you run up on me I'm pullin' my gun out of my holster, bitch."
- Z-Ro, Associates by Slim Thug

First of all... SO SAD.

Second of all... I'm pretty sure I know why you don't believe in friendship. It's probably because of that whole "pulling out your gun on random people" thingy.

Filed under: Worst fucking childhood of all time, obviously

#318

"I'm thirsty, I'm hungry. I need a big, big plate of that money."
- Jim Jones, Turn My Swag On (Mega Remix) by Soulja Boy Tell Em

The only thing more incorrect than eating money is drinking money. Can you imagine if someone actually put money on a plate? This person would be the biggest asshole alive.

Filed under: So confused / Worst Meal Ever

Monday, May 18, 2009

#317


"Out of shape but I make sure my gun is healthy."
- Jadakiss, Made You Look Remix by Nas

Guns don't work out. People work out.

Therefore... a gun cannot be healthy, no matter what. In fact, even putting a gun on an active treadmill is the most unhealthy idea I can think of.

Filed under: Guns don't have stamina at all

Sunday, May 17, 2009

#316


"We get chalupa, ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chalupa."
- Cam'ron, Chalupa

Not only is this not bragging and also not cool, it seems like this would be the first thing someone would say after they officially snapped. Then they would never say anything else except this until they died six years later.

Filed under: Not even cool if you're at a restaurant

Saturday, May 16, 2009

#315


"The niggas is comin', get out your good dishes or something like it's Thanksgiving, niggas."
- Jay-Z, Don't Let Me Die

I don't even know what to make fun of here.

Like okay... but then what happens? Like after the dishes are out (like it's Thanksgiving) WHAT DO YOU DO THEN...

...eat Thanksgiving? Or what? Why is that cool? I'm actually so confused. And the "or something" part is just SOOOO insecure. Like he might as well say, "The niggas is comin', get out your good dishes or if you don't have good dishes or maybe think that's a bad idea, whatever at least just sit at the table... right?"

Filed under: That's not even cool.

Friday, May 15, 2009

#314


"I'm just tryin' to turn my mans on."
- Slim Thug, I Run

Oh. My. God.

Filed under: So completely gay why doesn't he realize that and word this differently?

Thursday, May 14, 2009

#313


"Get off my brand new dick."
- Kanye West, Brand New

Uh, it's a dick, not a carpet.

Furthermore, you can't have a dick that you just acquired unless of course... it belonged to someone else first. Which is well... gay.

Filed under: It's a dick / kinda gay

#312


"I'm the boss of all bosses."
- Slim Thug, Boss Of All Bosses

Vice President of IKEA: So are we merging?
President of IKEA: Hold on... let me call Slim Thug.
Vice President of IKEA: Oh, right.

Filed under: No

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

#311


"International chicks on my New York dick."
- Busta Rhymes, New York Shit

I guess if you're from New York you may be able to say that you have a "New York dick"... I mean... I guess...

It's just funny to think that there are people out there who have like, a South Dakota pussy or something.

Filed under: Dicks are just dicks and not regional

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

#310


"I won't let you let him tell them that Bumpy ain't spittin' that hardcore phlegm."
- Bumpy Knucles, Poetry

This is so roundabout that it's just plain weird. Like, how about instead of this... you just make sure that the person who's thinking about saying how you "ain't spitting that hardcore phlegm" doesn't say it.

There's no reason to involve four or more people here.

Filed under: So roundabout / not necessary

#309

"Best in the nation on this Playstation."
- Ice Cube, Gotta Be Insanity

You're a grown man, remember. I'm surprised he didn't say "Na na-na na na na" after this because that's usually what comes after a sentence like this.

Besides that, this just isn't true.

Monday, May 11, 2009

#308


"Liar, liar, set your pussy on fire."
- Method Man, Left & Right by D'Angelo

Okay, so this comes from something kids say obviously. But instead of 'pussy' kids say 'pants'. So like, basically what Method Man effectively did here was took something that children say, and made it more immature. That's really hard to do...

Let me try though...
1) Row, row, row your boat, gently down the titties.
2) The driver on the bus goes, "Touch my dick."
3) Old MacDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O. With a "moo-moo" here and a "moo-moo" there. Here a "moo" there a "moo" Everywhere a "shit-on-my-chest-while-fucking-me".

That actually took me 7 minutes and I feel terrible now.

Filed under: Bad role model

#307

"I'm like bad grass. I ain't goin' nowhere."
- Master P, Dope Man

You don't even have to be bad grass to be going nowhere. Regular grass doesn't go anywhere either. Because it's grass. This is the worst analogy ever. Hands down. Ever.

Filed under: I mean... grass

Sunday, May 10, 2009

#306

"Let me give you swimming lessons on the penis."
- Ludacris, Money Maker

There's no such thing as giving someone swimming lessons on the penis. Sorry.

Filed under: Don't get in a pool with this man / Worst babysitter

Saturday, May 9, 2009

#305

'Y'all niggas eat pussy and burp."
- Canibus, Poet Laureate

On behalf of everyone who just read this or have heard this before: "Ew, that's gross. Please stop rapping."

Filed under: Lost my appetite for a while

#304

"I'm in the bathroom when you pee. She in the bathroom, too, when a nigga doo-doo."
- Obie Trice, Hands On You

I get why you're talking about this... You've found a woman you can get close to and you want to convey that, etc. Bottom line: DON'T RAP ABOUT THIS.

Filed under: Not our business / So childish / Not romantic

Friday, May 8, 2009

#303

"Got poor credit, got whore debit."
- Rick Ross, Cross That Line

You owe whores? Or they owe you? I don't get it. I guess that's okay though, because there's no such thing as "whore debit", and I shouldn't have to think about this for even another second.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

#302


"A, you, plain and simply, back up off her. B, you hit it just a little bit softer. C, you take it out and put it in her butt. Well, D is what I do, so, yo, listen up..."
- Shock G, Freaks Of The Industry by
Digital Underground

Not only should you not take instructions from this man because of how bad the instructions happen to be...

You should also not take instructions from a man who wears a fake nose. Ever.

Like, who's waiting for what comes after "D" if "C" is "put it in her butt"? Certainly not women.

Filed under: Worst babysitter / Horrendous instructions

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

#301

“She can tell I'm a G... I got Gmail.”
- Yung Joc, So Fly by Slim

Oh, so you're a G because you have a Gmail. I guess I'm a G too, then... and my mom.

Filed under: Bad logic / Just email

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

#300


"I was on a Peter Pan bus. You was puttin' Peter Pan up in your room."
- Jay-Z, The Watcher 2

Wow. I suppose you don't actually have to make any sense if you're going to rap. You can literally just say... anything.

You really can't stand with Bill Gates (above photo) if you're someone who utters a line like this. I mean, I wonder if Bill Gates could POSSIBLY even know what Jay-Z means. And he's like... smart.

So here's a letter...

Dear Everyone,

I've distilled the craziest thing anyone could possibly ever say in sixteen words and two sentences.

Sincerely,
A scientist that used science to do this experiment.

Filed under: You can't file this under anything no matter how hard you try

#299


"I grab my dick, spit, hit the blinkers, split."
- Redman, K.I.M. by EPMD

Filed under: Didn't pass his drivers test.

Monday, May 4, 2009

#298

"Haters get mad 'cause I got me some bathin' apes."
- Soulja Boy Tell 'Em, Crank That (Soulja Boy)

Yeah, they're shoes but... too bad, it's ridiculous and horrible English.

Filed under: Too bad

#297

"I'm not a pretty nigga but my moms thinks I'm handsome."
- 50 Cent, Life's On The Line

This is a proven sentence to ruin any conversation and make things immediately awkward. Try it.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

#296

"Call me Mr. Carter or Mr. Lawnmower."
- Lil Wayne, A Milli

I'll probably just call you Mr. Carter because if I call you Mr. Lawnmower people will think we're both assholes.

D'Elia: Funny, I used to get my grass cut by Mr. Lawnmower & Sons. They were not gangster.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

#295

"Me, I'm in my spaceship... that's right, I work for NASA."
- Young Jeezy, Put On

You're lying about 3 things here: you're not in a spaceship, it's also not yours, and you don't work for NASA. Hey guys, stop lying about space-related stuff.

Friday, May 1, 2009

#294


"It's Bun B, The Nigga, Mr. Swisher, and Mr. Flows, Mr. Brick, Mr. Killer Gram, nigga Mr. 'Bows, Mr. Slab, Mr. Candy Paint, nigga Mr. Dough, and Mr. Eighty-Fo."
- Bun B, Forgot About Me by Scarface

I mean, eleven names...

Okay, so even though THESE ARE SOME OF THE WORST NAMES EVER, still... leave some for other people, Mr. Selfish.

Oh, and maybe the song is called "Forgot About Me" because it's too hard to remember what the fuck to call you.

Filed under: Too many aliases / selfish

#293

"I keep it O.G. watching episodes of O.C."
- Murs, Brand New by Living Legends

This is O.G. I guess if being O.G. is being 12 and having a vagina.

Filed under: So not gangster it's unbelievable / Preteen