"Only know one way to be. That's the dog..."

AND...

"I know how to chase a cat up in the tree."
- DMX, Where The Hood At

I get the whole dog analogy. But DMX, you're not actually a real dog. So please... just stop being fucking dorky.

The only thing you really have in common with a dog is that you both don't know how to correctly put on a shirt.

Filed under: DMX is kind of just a fucking dork

"Tell the women in your family to suck my dick."
- Sheek Louch, Mighty D-Block

No one would deliver this message... ever.

"Hey mom, you know Sheek Louch?"
"No."
"Well, call Aunt Diane here's the deal..."

CUT TO: an establishing shot of a house. We can hear a mother screaming with disgust.

Filed under: SO crass and disrespectful

"We are not the same I am a martian."
- Lil Wayne, Phone Home

This sentence starts to make sense, so good job on that Wayne. But after that it kinda just crashes and burns and immediately becomes the worst example ever.

Like you can say, "We are not the same... because of how much hair is on your head," or something like that. But not the martian thing.

Filed under: Worst debater ever

"All my Westside bitches, throw it up, put a balloon inside your pussy, queef, and blow it up."
- Eminem, Medicine Ball

Hey Eminem,

Stop trying to out-disgusting yourself.

Sincerely,
Everyone

Filed under: Graphically overboard / Stop (please!)

"We could finally fly off into NASA."
- Kanye West, Knock You Down by Keri Hilson

This is so the wrong way to say this. It's like saying, "I'll get breakfast in my face." No wait, that makes more sense than flying off into NASA.

Filed under: Not smart / completely wrong

"Fuck your cell phone bitch. You could keep that."
- Scarface, Who Are They

It's so weird to be this mad at an object.

Filed under: Probably really mad at something else and taking it out on a phone

"I can make your pussy whistle like the Andy Griffith theme song."
- Drake, Best I Ever Had
I imagine a vagina actually doing this and then I have nightmares.

Filed under: Most talented dude ever / So freaky

"Money is my morals. Other than that, I'm soulless."
- Clipse, Ego

Let's get one thing straight, "money" is not "having morals". In fact if you're trying to express how moral you are and money is the first thing you bring up, you're a moron. That's kind of the opposite thing a "moral" person would do.

Rapping these lyrics is basically like saying, "I can't stand sex. Other than that, I fuck all the time."

So when saying "other than that" you actually need to say something... well... other than what you just said.

Filed under: Redundant / Soulless from the get-go

"R.I.P. to my motherfuckin' mother."
- Z-Ro, Mo City Don

Priest: "Does anyone want to say anything about the dearly departed?"
Z-Ro "Fuck, yeah. I do."
Priest: "No, not you Z-Ro."

Filed under: Worst eulogizer ever / unnecessary swearing

"Polices think I'm crazy."
- T.I., ASAP

Yeah, he said "polices". This obviously is wrong.

Filed under: I hope this is on purpose / Oh no

"Less money we spend on bullshit, the more for the weed."
- Juvenile, Slow Motion

Too honest on a date.

Filed under: The exact opposite of romantic / So cheap

"It's all just a race to see who can grab the most nuts."
- DJ Quik, Intro For Roger

And the winner is... THE GAYEST DUDE EVER!!!

Filed under: A race you should come in last at

"Gave her a 'Sanchez'... yes a dirty one."
- Cam'Ron, Just Us

I like to imagine Cam'Ron recapping the night with his buddy...

"Let's see, what did we do... Picked her up at 8, went to dinner, really nice place, I forget the name. We kissed a little bit during dinner. Then we walked up the street, got some ice cream, blah blah blah, you know. Oh right, then I gave her a Sanchez... yes, of course, a dirty one..."

Filed under: So dirtball

"Tell your girls to stop askin' can they talk for a minute."
- Trey Parker, Down Town

Kid comes home from school...

Mom: "So, honey, what did we learn today!"
Kid: "Shut up, bitch."

Filed under: So chauvinistic it's unbelievable / worst teacher ever / bad influence

"I never sleep, 'cause sleep is the cousin of death."
- Nas, N.Y. State of Mind

This is so incorrect, and a complete lie. Bottom line is... you sleep.

Filed under: Not a saying / trying to make up a saying / not healthy

"Man, her head was gooder than a music."
- Common, I Poke Her Face

Man, this might be the single worst sentence I've ever heard someone say, and it mostly just made me sad.

Filed under: Worst comparison ever / Extreme English failure

"I'm Toucan Sam."
- Gucci Mane, Guitar Freestyle

Under no circumstances is there any acceptable reason for a man to say this unless it is Halloween.

If you do, you are insane.

Filed under: Fuckin' so crazy

"Went to Mom's house and dropped a load in the bathroom."
- Ice Cube, Steady Mobbin'

This is a SONG. Leave out shit like this (no pun intended). Aside from that, you're a grown man taking shits at your parents house. Get your shit together (again, no pun intended).

Filed under: Not our business / Parents hate it when you come around

"I better be the only man stickin it, lickin' it like an envelope, mailin it, sealin' it. Read it."
- Lil Wayne, Pussy Money Weed

Okay, I get the "stickin' it" and "lickin' it" analogy. But mailing a pussy and having it go through the US Postal Service and then having someone read it? I mean, I don't even think that's sexual anymore.

Filed under: Turning a girl on and then just being weird to her

"In about three years, holler at me Miley Cyrus."
- Mack Maine, Every Girl by Lil Wayne

Uhhh... recruiting underage chicks to fuck when they turn of age is so creepy.

Filed under: Worst babysitter

"I know I be with cavemen, but nevermind them."
- Lil Wayne, Pussy Money Weed

You can't "nevermind" cavemen. If cavemen are around, you definitely have some explaining to do, no matter where you are.

Filed under: Trying to get away with the glaring obvious

"Now we in the penthouse. They in the lobby. Gucci frames on. I don't see nobody."
- Red Cafe, Da Hottest In Da Hood

So, yeah. Take your sunglasses off and ummm.... you'll be able to see people. Oh, also... go to the room where you know the people are... like the lobby.

Red Cafe: "Where the fuck is Damon?"
Damon: "Dude, I am Damon. We've been talking for 20 minutes. Take your sunglasses off you fuckin' dork."

Filed under: Trying so hard to look cool but you're just affecting your eyesight

"I'ma light this room on fire and take a nap."
- Slug, Rick James by Felt

This is the worst idea I've ever heard of... in my life.

Filed under: biggest idiot alive / not fun

"This is my life, it's not a song."
- Maino, Turn My Swag On (Mega Remix) by Soulja Boy Tell Em

This is a song. You're singing on it.

Filed under: So confused

"I put it right there. They be like, 'Luda!' I be like, 'Yeah?'"
- Ludacris, Buck In Here

Ludacris and his friends sitting around the poker table...

Ludacris: Hey you guys remember that time I put it right there?
Some Other Guy: Umm... I don't know. Why?
Ludacris: No, I'm saying then after that everyone was like 'Luda'? and then I was like, 'Yeah'?
Another Guy: Yeah, I guess I remember that.
(Long pause)
Another Guy: ...So?
Ludacris: Oh, yeah I was just saying... that was crazy, right? Heh, heh.
A Different Guy: Luda, it's still your turn. Are you folding or what?

Filed under: The worst, most boring storyteller of all time