Thursday, October 29, 2009


"We own things."
- Rick Ross, Speedin'

Like the worst medallion ever? That's a thing. Is that what you meant?

I own things too. But that's not that impressive.

Filed under: Not that impressive/so vague


"Watch me make a movie like Albert Hitchcock."
- Pitbull, 1, 2 3, 4 I Know You Want Me

Who's Albert Hitchcock? Is that Alfred Hitchcock's idiot brother?

Filed Under: Needs a research assistant / Simply incorrect

Wednesday, October 28, 2009


"Ben Franklin passed away and I was present at the funeral."
- Chamillionaire, Denzel Washington

This didn't happen.

Filed under: Owns a time machine

Monday, October 26, 2009


"Somebody better tell 'em that we in this bitch like an unborn baby."
- Fabolous, Everything, Everyday, Everywhere

"Excuse me. I just wanted to let you guys know... See those guys over there? I was thinking everybody would be better off if I mentioned that they're in this bitch like an unborn baby."

Blank stares.

"So... yeah."

Filed under: Likening himself to a fetus

Saturday, October 24, 2009


"One, Two... um, buckle my... um, shoe."
- Das EFX, They Want EFX

Hey, just figure it out before you start recording.

Filed under: Idiot

Monday, October 19, 2009


"Don't be mad at my wrist."
- Cam'Ron, Pop Off

Uh, nobody is going to be mad at your wrist because nobody, in the history of mankind, has ever, EVER been mad at someone's wrist.

Filed under: Lost his mind / wouldn't happen

Saturday, October 17, 2009


"Everytime your bitch burp, you smell my balls in the air."
Crooked I, The One by Slaughterhouse

"Okay, which one of you chicks was with Crooked last night?"

Filed under: Completely gross / So immature

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


"Make me the motherfuckin' president... I'll make the White House a ho house."
- Too $hort, Ain't Nuthin Like Pimpin'

There is hardly a sentence that would single-handedly fuck up your chances of being the President of the United States more than this one. But... how about:

"...And that's why I want to legalize fucking on subways."
"That Al Bundy knew what was up."
"I like men, sexually!" (Men only)

Filed under: Worst stump speech ever / Not going to make it in politics

Sunday, October 11, 2009


"Good evening. This is your fucking captain speaking."
- Eminem, Old Time's Sake

"Yeah... you know why I called you into my office, right Captain Em?"

Filed under: Would get so fired

Saturday, October 10, 2009


"Everybody know just who I are."
- Far East Movement, Girls On The Dance Floor


Friday, October 9, 2009


"If I could rule the world, everyone would have a gun."
Wyclef, Ready or Not by the Fugees

Good thing you don't. Jesus.

Filed Under: Don't vote for Wyclef for anything


"What you want in your stomach, a girl or a boy?"
- Plies, Headboard

In case you're wondering, this is the wrong way to discuss having a child. I can't even believe he says in your stomach — It's a baby. Not a pizza.

Filed under: Worst potential father / Not romantic

Tuesday, October 6, 2009


"Dear Mr. Toilet, I'm the shit."
- Lil Wayne, Money On My Mind

"Respectfully yours, Lil Wayne"

Monday, October 5, 2009


"You see me around some cheese."
- Dr. Dre, Watch Me by Jay-Z

I like pretending that Dr. Dre actually means if he was at a party, he'd be loitering near the cheese.

Filed under: Simply hungry for cheese / learning English