Snacks and Shit

#238

"So don't believe everything your earlobe captures, it's mostly backwards... Unless it happens to be as accurate as me. And everything said in song you happen to see -- then actually, believe half of what you see, none of what you hear, even if it's spat by me. And with that said, I will kill niggas dead."
- Jay-Z, Ignorant Shit

Dear everybody in the world,
Don't fuck with Jay-Z because he has obviously lost his mind.
Sincerely,
Everyone Who Is Confused Because They Listened to This Song

Filed under: What?/Way too many instructions

#231

"I've sold kilos of coke, I'm guessing I can sell CDs."
- Jay-Z, Diamonds From Sierra Leone by Kanye West

Guy who's hiring at Virgin: "We're going to go with the other guy."

Filed under: Two completely different things

#200

"I'm a little too famous to shoot these pranksters."
- Jay-Z, The Watcher

You actually just can't shoot anyone no matter what level of fame you have. It's still illegal. In fact, you could PROBABLY argue the opposite is true.

Famous people can get away with... well... murder.

Filed under: Bad logic

#179

"My situation ain't improvin'. I'm tryin' to murder everything movin'."
- Jay-Z, Hard Knock Life

If you're really trying to improve your situation, 'murdering everything movin' is not going to help things. In fact, it's probably going to make things worse for you.

Filed under: Obviously a bad idea/not gonna work out

#160

"I'm like, 'Fuck critics, you could kiss my whole asshole'."
- Jay-Z, 99 Problems

Well, critics are like, "No."

Also you don't need the word "whole" at all in this sentence.

Filed under: A bad suggestion

Macho: Right, it would be hard to kiss anything less than the whole asshole.

#100

"Linen shorts so my balls don't get hot."
- Jay-Z, Hustlin' (Remix) by Rick Ross

Hey Jay-Z, what else can you tell us that you can completely keep to yourself and everybody would be better off for it? I just realized why I don't think I've ever heard anyone else rap about shorts (because it sounds gay).

D'Elia: Yeah and also if you wear linen SHORTS you have to be George Hamilton.

#80

"Look, I got beef with like a hundred children."
- Jay-Z, Super Ugly

Filed under: Worst Santa Claus ever.

#37

"Excuse me miss. I'm the shit."

- Jay-Z, Excuse Me Miss Again

So polite to so conceited in less than one second.

#17

"That's gay. I ain't into liking dudes. No way."

- Jay-Z, Excuse Me Miss Again

Umm... nobody asked you, Jay. So that makes you seem defensive and gay.

#14

"Roc-A-Fella is the Army... better yet the Navy."
- Jay-Z, Takeover

Both statements make this point: "We have a lot of people." Should have just stuck with Army because it's just less gay.